A day in the life....

I'm okay

2011-12-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

I'm okay. I am. Life is okay and I can handle it alone or with friends or however I have to. I've been through much worse and I'm still here.

It'd still be really, really so wonderful to be held and hear the words "I love you" escape just loud enough for me to hear. It's been so very long since I've heard those words.

But I'm really okay and will wait.

So tired

2011-12-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

I can barely sleep the past couple of days because I can't stop thinking that something is wrong. There's a huge chance that the "something" is solely in my own head and my own paranoia. I rarely get to this point and whenever I do I start to panic that he's going to go away suddenly (as happened a couple/few times before) or that I'm going to eff up and make him run away or that he's tired/bored of me and will just not want to see me anymore. Then all it takes is one little thing to come up or something small to change and suddenly I'm a wreck and convinced that things are over. This of course makes me act different and more intense I'm sure though I try not to be and I'm sure he sees that and that is likely what starts to cause more issues. It's really that I need to calm down, trust, and let my guard down. I just don't want to be more hurt than I'm already sure I will be. *sigh* I really really really like this guy. Really really do. I find myself thinking far ahead of things to share with him, I find myself waking up and missing him beside me. I find myself wanting to tell everyone about him and making myself stop. Now I find myself (in only the past 2 days) really worried that we're not even close to the same page and that he's ready to leave whatever it is we've started. I hope to see him again so that we can talk. Damn I hope I find the courage to ask all the questions that I make me want to cry because I don't know how to ask them. I don't know how to say that I want to be exclusive and that I want to be the only girl he's dating and that I hope that he feels the same way. Worse yet I don't know how to respond to whatever he says back. I hate waiting and I won't get to see him for another couple of days. I'm not sure I can handle this any more and I don't know what to do. I want to know that he cares about me and I don't want to have to ask.

Silence

2011-09-21T23:14:00.000-06:00

Ahhh so my phone is silent. You're not answering me which I suppose I shouldn't be shocked about since I knew you'd be kind of busy tonight and you had left your phone at home all day. It's almost bed time for you; I'll bother you with one more text, the good night text that I hope that you'll reply to because I've gotten used to seeing your name on my phone before I go to bed.

This Sunday it'll be two weeks since I've seen you in person last. So long since we live so close and I'm doing well with it considering that I'm not used to having to be this patient. It's been a rough couple of days for you and I'm trying to be there for you but you're just not letting me or perhaps this is as much as you can let me for now. You need to sort out your home life; you need to let me know what you're dealing with over there. It's already odd that there's another person involved in our relationship but there's kind of a third person involved too and she's made me uneasy with what she's had to say. I'm shaking it off as best I can; I'll talk to you about it next time I see you. That is something I adore about you; we can talk about any number of things and we can be open about them. You're honest with me and you make it easy for me to be honest with you.

And as I've been typing this out you've written me before I had a chance to write you. To say good night. *sigh* It makes me so happy to see that. You can't be my everything, you can't even be my everything in the normal dating parameters but it's things like our good night texts that make what we have special and makes this okay for me to be a part of. New for me but good; I'm figuring it out and you're worth it even though it leaves me confused and wondering at times.

Close my eyes

2011-09-11T18:19:00.000-06:00

I often wonder what people think of when they close their eyes and think of me. When I close my eyes and think of you I think of your lips, I think (not hear) of your words, I think of your eyes, and I think of the way you move your hands. I struggle to think of all of you. I struggle to image exactly what you look like. I know what you look like but every time I see you it's almost a little surprise because I don't think of you as a whole, I think of you as the parts that I adore the most. So then I wonder what you think of when you think of me...

This is a strange place for me. I say that every time I find myself here, in this place where I actually care for someone and where I actually feel vulnerable. You are able to hurt me. I've told you this and I think you believe me; I hope you believe me. In the past week or so I feel like you've pulled back from me and I don't know why. There's so much in your life already and you tell me I'm not adding to your stress but at the same time I can't shake this feeling that something is wrong with us. "Us" hasn't been around very long and really isn't even established. I took my cues from you but now I feel like I don't what to do or where I stand. We were on pace with each other, it was easy and perfect and so surprisingly so. Now what?

Now I wait. Perhaps I'll get to see you. Friday you said that I may get to see you today; you went out of town this weekend and are back tonight. We may get to retake the walk that started it all, the one we keep saying we'll retake and we'll talk. I want to talk. The weather is gloomy, windy, drizzling rain from time to time, it's perfectly feeding the worst expectations I have for the talk I hope we have. My life's rule is to always expect the absolute worst while hoping for the best. I expect the worst be it if I see you and if I don't and yet I still want to see you.

I want to ask you what you think of when you close your eyes and think of me. Please let me see you tonight; I'm not sure I can handle not seeing you tonight.

I wonder why...

2011-06-07T23:52:00.000-06:00

I used to sing all the time. I'd sing alone, to myself under my breath, in the car, with anyone who wanted to join in, on stage, in plays, and whenever I heard a song I liked. I don't sing like that anymore. My mom keeps pointing out, a lot over the past year, that she can't understand why I don't let people hear me sing any more. She loves karaoke and loves to sing all the time and does just that. It bothers her so much that I don't sing; she gets so sad looking when she talks to me about it. She's asked my two closest friends, one who hasn't heard me sing since high school and the other who has never heard me sing in the entire time we've known each other, and neither of them can explain it. An just agrees with my mom and says I'm crazy to stop but that she can't get me to sing either.

It's true. I was in musicals from kindergarten till grade 9, sang in festivals until grade 10, and even took voice lessons for about two or three years. I used to sing all the time; loud and proud.

It's certainly not that I was an amazing singer; I wasn't terrible but I wasn't anything special. I still sing when I'm all alone and especially when I'm in the car alone. It still makes me feel better and I have cd's and playlists that are designed just so that I can sing to every song. I don't hate singing. I don't think I'm terrible. I can speak easily in front of a crowd of people and I know my friends won't judge me. I laugh off what people think of me and I shrug off others disparaging words. I encourage all my friends to sing and be proud of the way they sound. At karaoke I always cheer for my friends and even strangers, especially when it sounds like they were nervous.

So why don't I sing in front of anyone? Why can't I get over whatever is stopping me and sing like I used to? More importantly, what does that mean about the progression in my life? I've worked so hard to be confident in myself and everything I do; is this a sign of all the ways that I hold back out of fear? Or is it simply that I don't want to sing in front of anyone and that's that?

I wonder why I don't sing like I used to...

Questions to keep me awake

2011-06-01T00:14:00.000-06:00

Would you rather have loved and lost rather than feel nothing at all?

When was the last time you were held, really held, by someone who you knew cared deeply for you always?

Can you remember the last time you honestly answered "how are you?" Answered without hiding anything and feeling that the person asking really wanted to know?

When was the last time someone else wiped away your tears?

I'm trying. Every day I'm trying to be okay and I'm trying to be better. So hard. So very hard.

Oh and I've been sick since the beginning of March and on medication (three different courses or two or more meds) for the past six weeks and still do not feel better. I'm so tired of being sick and so tired of not being able to do what I had planned for this spring. Stupid illness is going to ruin my summer.

I like...

2011-02-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

I like that I have a neighbour who has grey hair and is in his sixties who plays in a jazz band and lives with his lady friend. I don't really know if they're not married but I talk to him and never noticed a ring. And I really like the idea of her being his lady friend. She's super pretty and I love the grey hair on her. They're adorable. They kiss each other goodbye every time one of them leaves. He sings and plays his guitar in the apartment but I know he also plays trumpet and the drums. They're both so sweet. I just love seeing them; they make me happy when I see them saying good bye to each other.

Ahh life.... is it ever what you ask for?

2010-08-02T01:46:00.000-06:00

My oh my, so much goes on so quickly and I'm always astounded at the passing of time. How is it that time can seemingly pass at different speeds? There is supposedly only one speed that time can go at and yet a day can drag and a month can feel like it's finished before it began. I know I'm rambling and I know that I don't always make sense but there is a point. I can't believe that so much time has passed since my last posts and that so much life has happened in that time.

Work is brutal. There isn't much more that can be said about that. I dread going into work nearly everyday and nearly everyday I push the limits on how long I can stay in bed until I have to get up and out the door. So now, despite having said it over and over again for months, it really is time to buckle down and find a new job. I can't bear to stay at this company any more, I can't handle hating my job this much. The majority of my waking hours are spent in an environment that makes me frustrated, angry, annoyed, and upset to nearly tears so I have to go. The good news, to a degree I suppose, is that there are three postings that have caught my eye at the university. They all close within the next four days so I need to get busy on touching up my resume and writing amazing cover letters. I so badly want to get out of this company and I hope desperately that this helps. Any of the positions would be wonderful but there is one that is the best of course.

Dating of course is brutal and intense as usual. I was taking a bit of a break of sorts but it never really feels like that. Everything is confusing and I'm still not convinced that I'm not undateable. I left the online dating sites for a couple of months and I think that helped a bit. Went online for the first time tonight and it's funny how quickly the emails come in, nothing that makes me want to respond but still sometimes if you take it at face value it's flattering. Meeting people is hard, I don't generally meet new people and when I do, they're not single which is a giant, laughable, kick in the teeth. The two boys I wrote about last are still in the picture, surprisingly, though both have taken on different roles and at the moment I'm leaving it at that. It's long and involved stories and even I find it exhausting to have to try to explain because the logical and emotional sides of myself get into giant fights and seriously fighting with oneself is just beyond tiring.

Everything else is going well. Soccer is awesome. Still playing on two teams, one that I captain and the other that I play on with Mitts and Sug and where Sug captains. The second team I'm in constant debate about whether or not to quit but I love the people so I'll likely stay. It's frustrating to play with them for a variety of reasons. My other friends are seemingly doing well. Mitts is doing so much better and has found herself in a new relationship, about a month/2 months old, that is going well thus far. The J's are busy but well and readying to go on vacation next week. An has been a big traveller this summer so I haven't seen much of her. ChaChi and her boy are doing awesome. They've been talking more and more about marriage and she's even pretty well picked out a ring. Other friends of mine have gotten engaged and a new-ish friend of mine has moved downtown less than 2 blocks away. One of my oldest friends from high school is getting married this weekend and my other oldest friend, Manly (the girl getting married, An, and him make up the only 3 people I'm still friends with from high school), is going as my date. I'm so excited! It's going to be a great wedding, I'm so happy for her and Manly and I are going to have a great time.

Well that catches that up and there's more to tell but for now I'm done. I'm choosing to be happy. I'm trying to choose to be happy, that needed to be rephrased. We'll see how that goes for me. For awhile there and even at times now I can feel the clouds on the edge of my world and I don't want to be there again so I need to focus on the good and happy and with any luck it'll save my sanity.

it hurts

2010-03-31T22:15:00.000-06:00

I'm so confused and the guy I'm kind of seeing/dating/whatever and have been for like two months is confusing. I'd rather feel nothing than feel this. I hate this.

We were texting last night and I thought it was seeming like he was distracted and then he tells me that he "got some really bad news from his doctor." I didn't get an explanation and I didn't pry but I haven't heard from him today and I'm so worried.

I hate this.

Missing the fixable parts?

2010-01-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

I remember missing someone so much it hurt, it physically caused me pain and hurt. I remember crying because I didn't know what else to do and then crying harder because I hate to cry.

Dating is not going well. Went on my first date in about a month or more and it blew up in my face just after it finished. Pretty much got told that I'm not dateable personality wise. I can't fix that. I can get thin, I can cut and dye my hair, I can wear heels, I can dress different, and I can wear more or less make up but I can't change who I am. I can't fix that.

What if I really am undateable?

At least I'll never miss someone so much it hurts enough to make me cry again.

There maybe a baby next week

2009-12-12T01:28:00.001-07:00

So my SIL had a doctor's appointment today and her doc figures that she'll be having the baby next week. Squee!! We were all hoping it would wait until after Christmas but next week would be equally excellent. I'm excited and really hope that they have it soon and, of course, that everything goes well for both baby and momma.

An and I went to the Ikea Midnight Madness Sale tonight and it was soooooo worth it. I picked up a little something for the new baby and for my little darling in Saskabush too. God my nieces and nephews are all going to be Ikea kids. Gabrielle got a little table and chair set that is just her size so she can colour and play and it'll go really well with her kitchen set that Big Bro's Dad bought for her.

The biggest score of the night, there were so many deals, was in the As Is section and it was such a great find I couldn't leave it behind. If my SIL has a little girl the little girl is going to like blue 'cause damn it we all think it's going to be a boy. Everything in As Is that was boxed was an additional 80% off the As Is price; we stumbled upon this bookcase amongst a bunch of kitchen boxes and there was a small tear in one corner and another corner was slightly dented. An and I opened the box up and there was zero damage (!!!) so of course we took the unit and it worked out to be $13!!!! The unit is $130 regular!!!!!

It doesn't hurt that this is my favourite children's line from Ikea but seriously $13?!?!?! We're not supposed to be exchanging presents this year but I'm going to put this together for them and put a giant bow on it as a surprise. I'm so excited for this, I know that they didn't really buy a lot of stuff for the room yet and they really haven't decorated the room and Little Bro was saying today that he's been meaning to hang the light that I gave them but they just haven't had time. I hope they really love it. It's such a sweet bookcase and it'll grow with baby for quite a few years.

Still sick like crazy but feeling the best I have in five days so that's good. Looking forward to going to the local artist handmade art/craft fair tomorrow morning/afternoon with An and J Girl. It'll be so much fun and I should be able to pick up some of my last few special things for Christmas; it's not the last of my shopping but the last of the stuff I can't get at regular stores.

Sick

2009-12-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to the doctor. My doctor is really great and it's been a long time in the making this appointment. I was feeling a little ill and now I'm full blown sick, woo. Monday I was coughing like crazy, stupid ridiculous amounts of coughing and I should've gone home but every time I went near my boss he gave me more work to do. Tuesday I was coughing less, yay for cough drops, but my head felt like it was in a vice and I was super dizzy but I toughed it out.

Today I stayed home.

I woke up and started to get ready and then thought to myself, "what the hell for?" You know they don't give out medals to those who suffer their way through the day at work and I can't remember the last time my boss told me I did a good job so screw it I needed to be home today. I still feel like ass; I have wicked dizzy spells, my head is in crushing pain most of the time, my stomach is being weird, and I get coughing fits but I'll go to work tomorrow and I should be feeling better.

But anyway that's not why I went to the doctor. It all worked out because the Monday before my appointment I took a ball to the chin at soccer and severely bruised my jaw ("nearly dislocated that") so he was able to give me meds for that and yeah he figured I wasn't getting the flu despite me starting to feel gross so that was good to know although I wasn't even remotely concerned. I went because I've been feeling like I've been out of whack for a long time now. In the summer I was reading about cortizol and it's effects on stress and weight gain (where weight is put on and retention) and was thinking that it's something I should be tested for. My mom thought I should be tested for a thyroid imbalance and I wanted all my hormones checked out particularly my testosterone levels.

Turns out that daily headaches and cortizol levels are linked and so I'm on meds for that, and yeah my cortizol levels are high. My testosterone levels are high, not dangerous or anything but above normal, as are my insulin levels which can indicate ovarian issues so now I'm on medication for that. In six months or so I'll have to go back and get more blood work done to see how everything is going. Not looking forward to that since I have a severe phobia to needles and this time around wasn't at all pleasant for me.

On the lighter side (maybe) I've applied for two jobs this week. One had this ridiculous online form that threw me right off so I'm not sure how well I came across. I'm hoping that I sounded as good as I do on my actual resume but I guess we'll see. The other I sent in by email this afternoon and it's for a radio station and I'd love to get this actual position. It's a bit admin which I do now but it also has sales and marketing aspects to it and the company is so diverse so I'd be able to move around if that's something I'd wish to do in the future. Perhaps the new year will see me moving in a different direction.

Maybe one relaxing weekend wouldn't be such a bad idea....

2009-11-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

Well it was another busy weekend and I didn't even do anything on Friday except work late and do some grocery shopping. Saturday I got up and out of bed early enough and then met up with ChaChi for lunch which was delicious and then met An for some shopping. Not necessarily the most fun shopping but baby shower shopping so it was good too. Ikea has the greatest baby stuff and I love Old Navy's baby clothes.

Now truth be told I am a huge Ikea fan but it's all good and there's nothing wrong with my minor Ikea obsession. I just have to share the cute things I bought for my soon to be nephew (maybe niece but I seriously think it'll be nephew).

I called my little bro to check on their lighting in the house and it turns out he and his Mags are totally uncreative and only had the fixture that came with the house hung in the nursery. So it was easily settled that this pendant light was a must.

I also checked on what they already had and it turns out, much like Big Bro, they didn't have a mobile yet for the baby. Mom tells me that my crib had about three of them so I'm not concerned that they got another one at the shower.

This is the last thing I bought at Ikea and I almost missed it. It was hanging in the corner of the kid's section and the mirror totally caught my eye, damn being part magpie. It's a little play mat and the greatest part is that it has little rubber nodes on the underside to keep it from slipping.

Admittedly I've never wanted children of my own; honestly I can't remember ever thinking that I wanted a baby or a child. But I have always wanted to be an aunt and have been looking forward to all this fun stuff. Big Bro's little girl is pretty fantastic but technically she's not my niece since Big Bro's not technically my brother. And it seriously sucks that they live so far away. I wish that I could see her more often and I miss my Big Bro so much. I just feel like he's drifting farther away from the family and me the longer he lives in Saskabush.

But anyway, I did hear through the grape vine that Little Bro and Mags have picked out names for their baby. If it's a boy it's going to be Oscar Michael and if it's a girl Violet Margaret (I'm not a 100% on the girl middle name). Since I'm thinking it's a boy I'm in love!! Oscar is such a great/cute name and so perfect. Michael is our family's middle name on my Dad's side. The best part is that the initials will be OMO. My nephew will be little baby Omo!!!! So freaking adorable. Oh will I ever be doing my best to be the bestest Auntie!

But anways, after shopping on Saturday An and J Girl and I went to the sex show that was in town. It was fun and we enjoyed the shows that were running and all the vendors. J Girl picked up some little somethings to horrify and shock J Boy who's just far too innocent for his own good. An got some information and some stores that she's excited to learn. And it was good that she got to have answers and advice that she's been looking for.

Sunday wasn't much better. I was expecting to see a friend later in the evening so I got up early and started cleaning up my house, did some dishes, did a big garbage run, and did laundry. And then my Mom called me and got me all in a panic about leaving way earlier than I was expecting to to get to the shower. But all was good, we were early and I got everything else done. Had dinner with my Mom after, went to my Dad's after that to do some tech stuff, and finally home. My friend didn't end up being able to make it and I can't say that I wasn't partially relieved.

This was a pretty average to lax weekend which is why I titled this the way I did. Maybe just one weekend, won't be this weekend though and likely not the next... *sigh* Oh well....

My adorable niece

2009-11-16T23:01:00.001-07:00

Not too much to say today. Taking two of my regular days off and three working days off meant that I turned on my computer to 120+ emails this morning. Ouch. I didn't make it all the way through my stack of paperwork that sat at my desk waiting for me but I think I'll get through it tomorrow.

Saskabush was fun and I've gone through the pictures and have selected my favourite. I want to tip my cap to Sarah over at "The Jam Revolution" for showing all her readers how to turn pictures into polaroid looking pictures. This photo of my niece looks so much better as an old style polaroid.

Can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to get a 2 year old to look at you while you want to take her picture; if you've tried then you know. This was intentionally not of her face and I'm so happy that this time she didn't move.

Tomorrow I get to leave work early to go pick up my parents from the airport. Or at least I think I do. My little brother and I went for lunch today and he said they don't get back until Thursday but I'm pretty damn sure it's tomorrow. I was fighting off a migraine after work so I didn't stop at the house to check their itinerary or the cats (I know I'm terrible) so I have to go first thing in the morning to check. And to feed the cats. And clean the litter box. Eeeew.

Oh and soccer got cancelled again tonight. Two games in a row due to facility issues. I so hope we don't miss our play off games that start next week. I get to be captain and sign the team up for the winter season so I need to get a head count and collect money from everyone next week so I can register us. Sug has done it for the past forever seasons but she's in school right now and will be missing I think three weeks of the next season and is currently away so she asked for someone else to step up and I (think) was the only one who did.

The singles team I joined on Tuesday nights has decided to join as a team for the winter season and I got elected to be captain for that team as well. They're so awesome and I like playing with them. We're doing so much better, can't wait to see how we fare come January.

Oh and since the J's were up in Saskabush as well J Girl showed me how to knit and crochet in the round. The knitting part is interesting, Sug showed me once but I didn't get it and it didn't stick, but so far I'm doing well on a blanket I'm making for Little Bro's bun in the oven. The crocheting in the round is awesome. It means I can finally start to make my step mom's scarf for Christmas and the amigurumi I covet.

And I can't resist posting one of my favourite pics that I've turned into a polaroid tonight as well.

Nothing like home

2009-11-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

It has been a very busy bunch of days. Wednesday may've been a holiday and I really didn't do much, an impromptu lunch date that I've already mentioned, but everything after that was ridiculous. Had morning coffee with J Girl Thursday morning and then it was off to the SK to go see the Big Bro and his family. 5+ hours and a numb tail bone later and I was there with enough time to help with dinner. My little niece is so adorable. She's walking all over the place and chattering up a storm.

The weekend didn't see us doing anything too exciting. It was a lot of daily stuff and normal stuff but it was really nice to just get to see them and spend the time there that I don't have because of the distance. The J's were there as well for Friday night and it was a great dinner with all of us.

The only downside, well not really but it's cute, was that apparently I rub off on my niece in terms of sleeping habits. She would not sleep the entire time I was there. This is a little girl that in the middle of playing with kids or by herself will announce that it's nap time and put herself to sleep. She was having none of it. There weren't any naps, she stayed up later than usual, woke up more during the night than usual (as in she actually woke up), and she woke up earlier than normal. It's bad but it's funny. Hopefully she'll sleep well tonight.

J Girl taught me how to knit so now I'm making a blanket for my SIL's baby shower next weekend. And I have two crochet projects on the go for Christmas. It's going to be busy nights of handicrafts rather than reading comics.

And now I'm going to go stretch out my back, knit, and go to bed. Oh so much fun.

Good day

2009-11-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

I was sort of supposed to go to Banff today. It'd be to meet a guy which is kind of balls of me but I figured what the hell? It's Banff and even if the company didn't turn out great it's beautiful there. We've talked enough that I knew we'd have a fun day even if there wasn't the chemistry there to pursue anything else. However I didn't end up going because he got called into work. I considered going to meet up with him after he was done work, at 830pm, but I'm going to Saskabush tomorrow to visit the Big Bro so I decided to post pone. It looks like I'll be going next weekend, he works but I don't have to go anywhere on Sunday so it'll work out.

So instead I got to sleep in and lounge in bed this morning which was fantastic. I was chatting online last night until 330am this morning with another guy that I met online and the conversation was going so well and he lives here. So when things didn't pan out for Banff today I was messing around on the computer and this other guy hopped onlien while working and asked me on a lunch date. Eeee!! The lunch went really well, no awkward moments or silences. And it was like two and a half hours long so I unfortunately kept him from work but no complaints from him. I've talked to him since tonight, he was still working but it was nice to hear from him again. I hope to see him again but we'll see. This whole dating world has taught me nothing if not that I shouldn't expect much of anything.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to meet up with J Girl for coffee before hitting the road to get to Saskabush. I need to go tend to my Mom's cats although I may get my little brother to do it for me; was supposed to do it today but just didn't get there. They're cats, they'll be fine. My little kitties will need to survive from tomorrow morning until Sunday afternoon all alone. It should be a good weekend though. The J's are coming up Friday so they'll be there around dinner time Friday night which I'm actually looking forward to. I'm annoyed with my Big Bro right now and still debating whether or not to bring it up to him. He's just been such an ass to our family lately and I just really think it's time for him to grow up and act like an adult about things rather than freaking out like a child all the time.

This should be a good weekend though, any weekend that starts on a Wednesday morning should be though. It's my first vacation days of the entire year and I'm going to find my way to enjoy them.

Threes my ass Warning: Bitchy/venting post ahead

2009-10-26T22:56:00.000-06:00

So bad luck apparently comes in threes. Sure it does, I totally believe that. Until last week. First my bank fees accidentally came out twice and bounced a paypal payment. The NSF fee for that was awesome. Then in trying to straighten everything out with the bank I get the non-payment strike from ebay automatically despite the seller and I being in good contact with each other. So now I've paid the NSF fee, have a blemish on my perfect account, and have to pay for the stuff. *sigh*

Are we up to three yet?

Well let's continue then shall we? My car has been leaking rad fluid off and on. Never a lot but enough to have me and my Dad concerned. Come out of work on Monday afternoon to a giant puddle of fluid. Yay. Call my Dad and he figured that it'd be a hose since the puddle is on the wrong side for the water pump. That would've been good; Dad can fix that at the shop. Get up crazy early Tuesday, meet Dad at the shop, roll up onto the ramps and low and behold, the leak is definitely not from a hose. Off to the dealership it goes. It's my thermostat housing. Woo. And since they've got that open the thermostat should be changed as it's showing serious wear. Woo again. Oh and when the oil got changed last Dad found that the transmission fluid was a lovely shade of almost black rather than the cherry red it should be. So might as well flush the engine too. And $550 later I have my car back and it's happy.

I also put the winter tires on my car last week. That happened 99% glitch free. They called to tell me my front brakes need to be replaced because they're metal on metal. I call Dad because I think that can't be. He concurs because we changed my back brakes entirely not that long ago and they checked my fronts then. And I'd hear a great deal of squealing and gashing that I don't. And I'd feel it and I don't. So yeah I don't know what car they were looking at but my brakes are fine.

Weekend was pretty good though. An's Grandma was extremely ill and in the hospital for what they knew to be her last days, she passed away Sunday, may she rest in peace, so we didn't go to see Where the Wild Things Are as planned. Not a terrible thing because she needed to be with her family and I needed the night off.

So I'm settled at home, relaxing in front of the tv, and turn on my computer to putz around. Shortly thereafter my virus programs go crazy and it's like I'm being hit by a virus blitz. Oh hell no! So when the messages and junk stop I shut down immediately, which I learn after is the absolute worst thing you can do. Restart the computer and nothing. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! Oh shit... I haven't backed up my computer in at least two years and have never backed up all the pictures, I've been planning on doing it at the end of the month. I almost cried right there. Six years of pictures and documents gone. Six years of pictures that I don't have anywhere else and no one else has. I went to bed after sending out a plea on my facebook status from my phone.

Okay I need to take a breather. This is a lot of crap for one week. Not everything was bad last week, rather the good stuff was pretty overshadowed. It's all hopefully behind me now and I've been in a decent mood today. And it was soccer night which I always love. Yay soccer!

Hmm I've suddenly gotten tired and dizzy so I'm going to stop here for tonight. I'll finish the rest tomorrow and perhaps I'll have great new things to add that aren't so negative. And it's soccer night tomorrow night too!

Funny how it goes

2009-10-21T22:27:00.000-06:00

It's funny how when you stop to think about the little ways people describe you you learn things that you sort of already know. The things that you're not entirely sure are true because it's in your own head but you do know it's true in some aspects.

For instance I have a tattoo and most people who I encounter are surprised to learn that, most of the people I knew when I got it were surprised. Yet it came up in conversation with my boss the other day and he said he wasn't at all surprised nor was he surprised to know that I want more. That's what I always figured; it makes sense to me that I have a tattoo and I think it suits my personality.

What's got me thinking about this stuff tonight is a show I'm watching where a girl is saying how no one describes her as anything but beautiful, not smart or fun or anything. Well it occurs to me that I'm like that. I don't get called cute or pretty or adorable or anything along those lines. I do get called beautiful from time to time but mostly I get described as striking and other things along that train. It's not a bad thing it's just something. Most girls get called cute and adorable but I don't. Unless I'm being teased. And in my heart and mind I know I'm not conventionally pretty; just not that kind of girl, I don't smile enough and I'm certainly not the right shape to be conventionally pretty/cute/adorable. Sometimes I hate that I'll never be described to someone who's never seen me as beautiful or pretty or adorable or cute but then I'm different and I like that.

Arrrgggggggg!!!!

2009-10-14T00:58:00.001-06:00

Dating sucks so bad!!!! F*cking god damn blows!!!!

~ That is all. ~

good lord so busy

2009-10-08T22:52:00.000-06:00

Alright so yeah so super busy lately. You know I swear that I remember saying that I was going to slow down sometime. And perhaps that sometime will be in November or never. *shrug*

This week I had my first game with the singles team that I joined on top of the team that I already play with. So much fun and hard on my poor legs. Well worth it though; I think I'm going to get what I want out of being on two teams though. My footwork and other such skills will get better which will make me so much happier and, of course, the extra night is one more night of full out fun exercise that will be key in losing more or at the very least maintaining what I've already done. I hope to lose some this winter and I'm working hard to do it.

Also J Girl came with me last night to a wine tasting and it was so freaking good. Ugh I have expensive tastes but I did find two wines I thoroughly enjoyed for under $30 which is good. My favourite of the night was $85 but would be so worth it. Perhaps I'll find someone to enjoy it with.

On that note I have a date on Monday that may get pushed up to Saturday but we'll see. I'm excited and so nervous. So far there's a lot of connection and I can honestly say I've thus far felt the best connection with him than I have from any other guy in a long time. Here's hoping that the date goes really well.

And now it's bed time. I'm so tired and mentally drained. Looking forward to my lazy night tomorrow with ChaChi and then sleeping in on Saturday. That will be the unexpected gift.

Nom nom nom

2009-09-27T21:35:00.000-06:00

Pancakes and steak for dinner.... oh so delicious. Strange I know but so yummy and surprisingly they go well together. Although I do need to say that there's no way I'd put them on the same plate. Or eat them at the same time. I suggest separate plates and about an hour apart.

Oh and dim sum for breakfast this morning. I have the biggest happy face going today. Daddy woke me up at 915 (I didn't go to bed until about 5am so no judging) and I was enjoying delicious dim sum by 1030. What a great way to start the day!!

And enough about the food I've eaten today, I've also gotten a lot farther on my scarf made with the fur stitch I taught myself last night. And I've gotten new yarn to make another scarf when I'm done this one. Or blanket, depending on how it goes. J Girl has to show me how to work in a round though because I've tried it a few times and just can't seem to get the hang of it.

And the winner is.....

2009-09-27T00:13:00.000-06:00

No amigurumi for me tonight. The patterns are just a bunch of gobbly gook to me at the moment although I do have the resource book to clear it up. I want something a little more mindless tonight so I've taught myself an afghan lace stitch and have done about seven rows to a scarf of that and a really pretty fur stitch that I think I'll finish up first.

Oh so exciting

2009-09-26T22:56:00.000-06:00

Yep it's Saturday night and I'm sitting at home doing a whole lot of nothing which is suiting me fine. I should've gone to see Irish's band play tonight but I didn't have anyone to go with me and my head has been rather touchy all day so I didn't want to end up with a wicked headache again. Another one would make two for the day. I've spent most of my day reading/napping in bed which was deliciously lazy of me. Although I did get up and go out to help the J's move a few things. J Girl is really sick and terribly weak so she was of no help to J Boy who needed to return a BBQ. Freakin' heavy beast of a thing.

So tonight I'm going to teach myself either a new pattern for crocheting a blanket/scarf/etc or I'm going to try to read the pattern to learn to make a little gnome amigurumi. I'll try the gnome first and when I give up on that then I'll move onto the new pattern. Here's what my gnome should look like:

Well close to that anyway. I don't have all the right colours because I'm just playing around with the pattern but if I get it right then I'm going to make quite a few amigurumi cuties for my niece. If I can't get it then J Girl said she could help me out. Yeah I'm a dork.

So long...

2009-09-24T22:41:00.000-06:00

My lord it's been a long long day. Such a freaking roller coaster ride at work today and I don't foresee tomorrow getting better. At least I'm leaving early tomorrow and I get to chill out with ChaChi's puppy for a nice long walk before she gets home. We're going out to a big concert event that starts pretty early so I told her I'd walk her puppy since I'm getting off early and she's not. I'm so excited for the concert though; there's going to be about 5 or 7 bands playing through the course of the night and I've been wanting to see so many of them.

I talked briefly with the Boss yesterday about the Marketing Girl that's been giving me so much stress and been such a source of frustration lately. Didn't go into his office with that purpose but on an off hand comment I made he closed the door and asked some more in depth questions and we had a little chat.

The only phrase that I fully regret saying, and I preface this by saying that he totally caught me off guard and I was headachey and cranky before we got to talking, is, "The idea of sharing an office with her right now honestly makes me want to vomit, it makes me sick to my stomach to just think about it." Yeah totally not the level of professionalism that I usually keep at work but it really got my point across. On the plus side he reacted very well when I told him, "Boss if you knew and saw what went on here when you were away you'd have been appalled." It was a good talk and I made him aware of some things that he didn't know and now I know that he's been more aware than I thought he was.

He's a great boss and we both agree that we need to give her some time now that the stresses of the move and the event are over. Those were her biggest excuses for things not being done and now she can't use them. He's also giving her more work which is a partial relief to me (partial because if she f*cks up everything will fall back on my plate and I'll be on clean up which I hate) and I loved it when he said that he knows she doesn't have much in the way of a workload and especially when compared to mine. He wants to have a meeting with the both of us to talk about the new work that's going to be transferred to her pile. SO we'll see how the next couple of weeks go.

On the flip side of life I've just been having a lot of headaches lately. Not sure if it's stress related or the weather changes or both. One of these days I'll talk to the doc again about them but I've been having near daily headaches for as long as I can remember so I just deal with them. I've been trying some different meds though thinking that maybe things have changed and pain medication will actually work but so far nothing. Some of the migraine stuff at least takes the edge off but nothing makes them go away completely.

And ending on a good note.... I'm playing in a little three night indoor soccer tourney and the first game was tonight. My whole regular team is pretty well playing in this tourney, easy since most of the guys work together and it's put on by their company, and tonight I played against Sug and her boy. It was a tie game but super fun. I also joined another team for the regular indoor season that starts next week. So I'll be playing twice a week, once with my usual team that I love to death and once with a team of people I don't know at all. A little intimidating but I'm really looking forward to it.

At a loss

2009-09-21T22:59:00.000-06:00

What do you do when you don't know what to say any more and even if you did you wouldn't be given the chance? All I know is that I feel sick to my stomach and I want to cry but nothing is coming out. What else can I do? I've tried everything and have been shot down everytime. I just don't know what to do.

Just a heads up...

2009-09-17T22:27:00.001-06:00

Dear Marketing Girl with whom I have to work,

There are many people watching you plan this event and many more will watch you run this event. There are many eyes watching and waiting for you to pull it off fantastically. Everyone hopes you do and a lot is riding on this event after all it is the largest event our division/company has had or seen in easily 10+ years if not for the entire history of the company.

Perhaps you should have kept all that in mind while you jacked around, flirted, enjoyed your "Boss-less Freedom," and did nothing for a week. Perhaps you should have kept that in mind while you came in late and left early every day last week. Perhaps you should be remembering this while you spend half your day flirting and flitting around, while you leave before myself and our boss, and while you complain about all the things you have to do and haven't done rather than doing them.

It should've set off warning bells when I was suddenly pulled into meetings Tuesday and Wednesday, the event is on Saturday! These are the first meetings I've been in since this event was even considered and in them I've made well over half of the suggestions and trouble shooting. This, my dear, is usually not a good sign in this kind of situation. You get so angry that the other division marketing coordinator is always asking you a million questions and going over the event in minute detail with you because you consider it to be nagging and redundant. You need to know that she's doing it because she's not at all sure that you have things under control. When you can't answer her, have missed details, or just all together just get flustered you're only making things worse; you're making it hard to be reassured that you know what you're doing and have everything handled.

As we joked today, why are you in this field? You hate running ads, aren't good with words, get horrendously stressed out with any deadline let alone weekly deadlines, can't stand planning events, self admittedly not creative, and you despise being the lead on projects.

So Marketing Girl, I hope you pull this off because I'm watching you right now and at this rate you're going to let a great many things drop. I haven't had enough time to really prepare to catch everything you drop but I'll be trying; please don't mess up too much though, you've had close to two months to plan this. Tonight I left work at 9pm because I'm playing your catch up, the Boss let me out, and tomorrow I'm going in at 6am, I'll be there before the Boss and before you even wake up.

Don't f*ck up, there are many many eyes watching you. The event will run well and everyone in attendance will be having a great time but the important people will know which people were responsible for that in the end.

This is your FYI.

Love,
Samantha

Should I? Shouldn't I?

2009-09-14T22:20:00.000-06:00

Beyond all the friend drama (which I've decided to ignore for the moment) I have a big decision weighing on me. Talking to Jolynne (my friend from China) last week has left me with a lot to think about. This is probably the most seriously I've considered going back to China in the 6 years I've been home; it floors me that it's been that long. I always say that I want to go back and that I miss it and both statements are so true. Things are different now though and harder and scarier. Can I really do this? Can I go, spend at least a couple of years there and then come back? What if I never come back? What if it's terrible this time? What if I miss out on things here?

Honestly I can see ChaChi and her bf getting at least engaged in the next year. Same with Sug and her boy. Little Bro is having a baby this December, Big Bro's baby is getting older and I don't want to miss out on either of them. Even Mitts and her bf would probably be getting engaged within the year. And the J's, although I think they're going to be a little ways away but not too far. I don't want to miss any of those things. These are people who mean so much to me and engagements/weddings that I want to be there for. The set up would be the same and for sure I'd be able to come home in the summers but what if they get engaged next summer and then married when I'm not here? I would love for them to all have summer weddings but who knows and maybe I'm worried for nothing.

There's so much that I would have to do before I could leave. Sort out all my debt issues and figure out how to make the payments from over there; banking isn't at all easy from there. Storage is another huge question; where am I going to put all my stuff and my car. Renting a storage pod wouldn't be terrible but car storage is another question. I'd have to look into my lease and find out if I could renew only partially and into my phone contract and find out how long I have left on it and if I can reduce it to very basic when I leave. I was already considering that I'd have to go talk to the uni soon to find out what I need to do, and when, to finish my degree. Just so many things to consider and take care of.

Sleeping has been a struggle because I just can't stop thinking about it all. The options, questions, concerns, and logic. I just want to be sure. An asked me which I would regret more, going or not and truth be told I just don't know...

What a wonderful day

2009-09-12T22:58:00.000-06:00

Today was so utterly lax and great. J Girl and I went to the Strathcona market and got veggies and delicious goodies. Homemade kimchi and pershke for me and two giant bag fulls of thing for J Girl who always goes a little crazy at the market. It was a great way to start the day.

After that we went back to the J's house and it was decided that I was going to make cookies for them since J Girl doesn't bake at all and it was time to christen their brand new kitchen. I made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (J Girl's favourites) and peanut butter rice krispie squares, which neither of the J's had ever had before (!!). J Girl and I made fresh salsa together and some delicious bean soup. J Boy made us supper and we just chilled for a little bit after.

Upon coming home I finally put together my new bed frame. Took about an hour to do but that's not bad consider the directions even said not to do it alone. Silly directions don't they know that a single gal takes care of herself? I love it. It's so tall though!! Seriously the top of my mattresses are above my hip when I stand beside the bed. My fat cat stood crouched and staring at it for a bit before attempting to jump up. I love it though and will have to call my Dad in the morning to thank him again.

The J's and I are going to have brunch at the best breakfast place in the whole city tomorrow and I've invited ChaChi and her bf to join us. I hope they will, they invited me today to enjoy them at the dog park but I was elbow deep in cookie and salsa making so I had to pass. I hope I get to see her tomorrow and An too. I've been trying to get together with An for the past little bit but we're just missing each other due to other plans. Hopefully at least coffee tomorrow or Monday.

Badi and I went out to dinner last night too. It was so nice to just be able to spend time with him and really get the chance to talk. I'll write more about that tomorrow 'cause there's a lot to say and I'm beat.

Life is always changing

2009-09-10T21:50:00.000-06:00

Sadly I won't be going out to the cabin this weekend to paintball and relax with a select few. Badi had to cancel as he has a job interview that they scheduled in the Fort on Saturday late afternoon. J Girl is still sick, although feeling better, and can't really confirm her attendance and if she doesn't go then J Boy will not come either as he'll be staying home taking care of her. Mitts is sick, missed our final outdoor soccer game last night and hasn't responded to either email or text today. Since it's Mitts' bf that has the extra guns then if they're out then we don't have the guns to play.

Now I'd gladly go out for just the night to hang out and relax but I don't like doing that alone. Oh well, I think I'll go to the market with J Girl Saturday morning and then we'll make cookies. J Girl can cook very well but can't bake worth shi*t. ChaChi and I'll probably hit up the dog park at some point too. And then maybe laundry will be done and my new bed frame finally put together. It's looking so sad in it's boxes leaning against the wall.

Oh and I'm going out for dinner tomorrow night with Badi which makes me really happy. We don't often get to spend time alone together since we're both so busy so we see each other in groups to get in maximum friend time. He's got some big changes on the horizon and I'm interested in hearing his thoughts about my pending decision regarding China.

And apros to nothing but seriously the cartoon "Beetlejuice" is on right now. I loved this cartoon when I was younger so I'm really enjoying watching it again. It's pretty clever still and funny. I love having Teletoon Retro.

Short weeks

2009-09-08T23:31:00.000-06:00

Last week was short because I took the day off for my birthday and then another because I was sick. This week is short because of Labour Day but this time I'm working the part time two nights this week. Tonight was so long working both and I'm wiped out.

My China lovely was supposed to call me this morning but due to some muck up with Skype she couldn't get through. So that's been post poned to tomorrow morning. Meaning I have to wake up at 5 again tomorrow so that I can get ready for work before she calls. Damn 14 hour time differences. We're going to talk about so many things but the biggest is me going back. She's got some options for me and we're going to figure out what I need to do. Maybe this is my last year here for a bit. I miss China all the time and have so little holding me here; the friends I have now are solid so I can have more faith that I won't come home and be so alone like last time. The fear of coming home has been the biggest reason why I haven't gone back.

Tomorrow is the last outdoor soccer game of the season which is so sad. The nights are getting chillier and I'm going to miss playing outside. Not everyone is playing indoor with us so it'll be sad to know that I won't see some of them for a long while. Well except when I play in a mini tourney at the end of the month that is being hosted by the company that 80+% of our team works for.

Anyway I'm going to head off to bed to read for awhile. Not quite tired though but comics will make me relax.

Shouldn't this be a relaxing day?

2009-09-07T12:32:00.006-06:00

There and now the template is all done and the sidebar is completely updated and reflects everything that I do currently visit. I need to get An's website linked up but I don't know the URL. To be honest I don't often read the sites of the friends that I met and know in person because I'd rather get together over coffee and catch up than read everything online and just assume that I know what's been going on. Sug's blog is listed but I honestly don't read it. Especially with things being so tense between us lately I just don't want to pry and it would feel weird to read it. She gave me the URL ages ago and I know I love getting new readers so if linking her gets her more readers then yay.

It is so nice to have everyone's nicknames neatly listed on the sidebar too. Maybe not for anyone else since it's not like the descriptions are all that in depth but for me because I always forget what I had been calling people.

The photo blogs listing is going to end up getting longer too I'm sure since on Flickr I follow so many different amazing people but for now those are my favourite and the ones that mean the most to me. There are only two photographers listed that I haven't met in real life although "Melly" is D's roommie and so it sorta feels like I know her. She could pick me out of a crowd and I her.

Now all I have to do is figure out where in my code lines I need to edit to give a little more line spacing in the entries. Man I could spend days editing and playing around with the template.

So today will see me doing many stupid little chores around the house that I don't particularly feel like doing but rather desperately need to be done. Dishes were started yesterday and need to be finished today. The freezer needs to be restocked with homemade lunches that are easy to grab and take to work. Laundry so very desperately needs to be hung and put away. And a garbage run or two is a must before it rains again. Oh and I'm going to vacuum... with my new vacuum!! I love that Mom got me a vacuum for my birthday; I know it means I'm getting old because seriously it's a vacuum but with two cats and like three feet of hair not having a vacuum was even bothering me.

Cupcakes!!! Nom nom nom!!!

The only tasks I'm looking forward to are making cupcakes and muffins and putting together my new bed frame. It would be so much easier to put together the frame and switch over the mattresses with an extra set of hands but I am single girl and will succeed on my own. Hehehehe. That and ChaChi is pretty allergic to my cats so I won't ask her, J Girl is sick and J Boy is doing his bf duties and taking good care of her, Little Bro is out of town, and I don't feel like calling in my Dad so that just leaves me. I'm tough, I can handle it. I'm a wee bit scared to see what has accumulated below my bed though. I haven't seen underneath since I moved in a year and a half ago.

My new bed frame. So much space underneath.

Hopefully I get my sh*t together soon enough to take some cupcakes to J Girl and I'm hoping to see An tonight too. She wants a reference letter and I always find it better to write those with the person they're for so that it can be tailored to they position that they're applying for. And I should call my Mom and my Dad and see how they're doing. Which may turn into supper/dessert at their homes. Oh my this day is getting really busy.

Ahh Change

2009-09-07T01:13:00.001-06:00

It was a summer of changes in my world, some good, some bad, and some that haven't yet been rated. Seems fitting that I've been itching to change this template now. No more crying eyes or apocalyptic images, no more dark dreariness, and hopefully a happier outlook on life. The cartoon monsters make me giggle and this template drew me in even as a little one by one thumbnail. So after searching through many template sites and playing around with the codes I've got something that I love again and in a couple of days it'll be perfect.

Now if only this end of season takes away all that has been unhappy and sees all that is promising come to fruition.

I hate this part...

2009-02-12T21:54:00.000-07:00

This is why dating blows. It's not so much the meeting people or even the games as it is all the little hits that your ego takes while people reject you. You know they're not the right person because of it and each hit is only tiny but they add up and make it hard to be strong. It's why I appreciate the great people in my life because they make it easier to stand tall. I'll find my man but I'm not worried about it because I'm not alone.

Wait for it....

2009-01-14T22:51:00.001-07:00

***YAWN***

I'm going to bed....

Just plain out exhausted

2009-01-13T23:05:00.003-07:00

Let's just quickly sum up today before my brain shuts down and revolts on me.

Spent something in the range of 8 hours in meetings at work today then rushed off to other work where I was short shifted yet again and surprise it got busy just like it always seems to do when I'm short shifted, this time we were shy matching the day shifts sales total by four hundred dollars and yesterday it was only by two and it's definitely worth mentioning that the day shift has seven hours to make their sales while my shift has three, and so of course there were people still shopping when it was time to close the doors so I got off late (again) and now I'm just exhausted and yet not tired enough to actually sleep.

And breathe.

Busy busy busy me

2009-01-12T23:05:00.002-07:00

So very very busy am I. It was a good day but so much seems to be going on at work. My boss needs a whole new set of sales reports and pace reports because he's determining a bonus structure going into boat show season and apparently he's also changing up the commission structures for everyone for this year so I'm sure that's going to mean new projects and reports for me to create that way.

This is all very good and it shows that my job actually is moving forward and progressing and it's a progression that I've been looking forward to. As Boss moves on with the big picture stuff that he's been sadly neglecting due to circumstance it also means that I get to work on big picture things which is awesome for me. I learn so much from Boss and I love that he gives me responsibility and freedom to tackle projects in my own way. For this boat show season I've been sitting in on all the meetings pretty much in his place so that he can stay back in the office and get other things accomplished. This makes me feel so good; he's honestly a bit of an inspiration and it means so much to me that he trusts me with so many things and with such big picture things. I think this year is going to be a big one for me and I'm going to work so incredibly hard not to screw it up.

Completely unrelated note, both of my cats decided to have big shits one right after the other and there seriously isn't enough space in my apartment to make the smell go away quickly AND the windows are frozen shut so I can't get in any fresh air. Really want to vomit. Yay for owning two cats!

It's been a good day

2009-01-11T20:07:00.002-07:00

Work went well this morning; it was really busy so the day went by quickly. I picked up a new bag and a couple of pairs of shoes although one pair is the wrong size so I'll have to exchange them tomorrow. Shouldn't be a problem I don't think.

After work I met up with An for coffee and it was so great getting to catch up. We met at a coffee shop on Whyte that I hardly get to go to and that she'd never been to which is so nice and makes excellent chai and after that we went and picked up some hair dye and nail polish for her. It was a coffee date like we used to have. We really have to get together more often, between my two jobs and her married life and school it's hard but it'll have to become a bit of a priority for the new year.

There are a few people that I need to try and spend more time with this year. Sometimes it's just a little too easy to let the time slip by us without realizing the people we're missing.

Almost forgot for today

2009-01-11T00:49:00.002-07:00

Pretty much did nothing today which was my plan and also thusly gave me nothing to say. Found a new online comic series that I'm loving and I think I'm almost all the way through the archives which will be awesome and sad 'cause I've been reading the series for like two days straight.

Dad messed up and had told me that Grandma's dinner for her 75th birthday was tomorrow when in fact it was today. So I was horribly thrown for a loop when he called at a bit after 530 (when I should've been there) to see where I was and if I could give him a better idea of where the restaurant was. Great. I had showered, wasn't dressed, and wasn't ready at all. Dare I say that I'm awesome though? 'Cause yeah I was there by 605!!!

I saw the EMT again tonight. This is going to be the last time I'm sure. He's just not enough and although he's sweet there's just not enough there at all. Especially after seeing Tone again last night. Tone and I really need to figure out where we stand with each other but that's a story for another day.

I love some surprises

2009-01-09T22:59:00.002-07:00

The cats have been tearing around all friggin' night. Xiao puts the run on Monkey and seriously I don't know what has gotten into him.

It was supposed to be a very laid back low key relaxing night with just me, myself, and I; I'm actually pretty happy to say it wasn't. I thought I wouldn't get to see Tone before he went out of town and I was texting with him back and forth since late this afternoon. It was odd that he kept asking me what I was doing tonight, he always asks once but it was a couple of times. Then while he's texting with me my buzzer goes off and there he is waiting downstairs to me. That's the kind of surprise that I'm always game for. It wasn't like we got to spend a ton of time together since he had to leave to go meet his crew so they could head up north tonight to be there for the morning. When I opened the door he was just there smiling so big and after he came in and gave me a big kiss he just said "See I told you that I'd see you before I left." It was a great couple of hours and just made my whole night.

Long days this week

2009-01-08T22:48:00.003-07:00

Seriously I'm not exciting enough to write every day but I said I would and so here I am. Today was long again although there is light at the end of the tunnel in that I didn't have to work tonight and tomorrow is Friday. Woohoo!! Did I mention that I intend on sleeping in until like noon on Saturday? Oh yeah babies!!

Not too much else although got an email from Badi today and he's hoping to get together this weekend. Usually we do brunch on Sunday with the J's but it's their one year anniversary on Sunday and J Boy is working at the bar on Saturday night and I work Sunday. So hopefully we can work something out and get together on Saturday; I've invited him out to the birthday thing so maybe he'll come out for that.

Alright I need to go to bed and relax so I can sleep. Night all!!

Exhausted... bleh

2009-01-07T23:20:00.002-07:00

I'm so exhausted, to the point where I'm beyond tired. Saturday I'm totally sleeping in; there is no way I'm getting out of bed (except to pee) before noon. If only the rest of the weekend were as restful but sadly it won't be. That's it for tonight, my brain is just flat out mush right now so I'm going to bed.

Second day back

2009-01-06T22:24:00.002-07:00

Today kicked my ass. I really should've started back at the part time tomorrow rather than today; would've been nice to have one more night to relax after starting back at work. On the plus side I'm caught up and even a little bit ahead of the game today.

This weekend looks like it could be fun. There's a birthday thing at a downtown country bar on Saturday for one of the guys at work and it seems like most everyone from work is going so I may go to that despite not being a country fan at all. On top of that I'm meeting up with Andi for coffee on Sunday so I'm very happy for that; it's been a couple of months so there's a lot of catching up to be done. I may even get to go out with an old high school friend of mine, Dan, whom I have only seen a couple of times since high school. So excited about that, here's hoping it works out.

Now I'm tired so I think I'm going to head off to bed and read some Baby Blues comics.

mmmm... food....

2009-01-05T20:40:00.003-07:00

Being so super productive this evening. Went to Costco straight after work to get some groceries and kitty litter (seriously kitty litter was a far bigger must than groceries)and then it was making lunches for the next couple of weeks right after dinner. Tonight I've made mashed potatoes, tortellini with chiorzo sausage, and shepherd's pie. There are now SEVENTEEN containers of lunches in my freezer joining the remaining three containers of tortellini with chicken and six tv dinners. Man I eat well. HA! But seriously this is pretty good eating for me; I'm pretty well known for not having the best food habits and I've been working hard to make that better. It just takes so much effort to be this prepared and not to mention the freezer space and freakin' dishes!

The first day back to work after 12 days off was good. Opened my Outlook to 100+ emails and by the time I sorted through all those there were an additional 30 for me to deal with from this morning. The good news is though that at this point I'm all caught up from the days I missed and have even completed a couple of things that were added to my list today so I'm in pretty good shape for tomorrow.

So not looking forward to tomorrow since I have to work both jobs and I'm not ready for a 14 hour day of work. I might be seeing Tony on Thursday though and that will be nice. I won't know for sure until tomorrow, we're going to firm up plans then once he finds out how late his orientation runs and what time the new job starts on Friday.

Home sweet home

2009-01-04T19:16:00.002-07:00

I am home from Canmore and am exhausted, tired, and sore. Being sore is frustrating considering that I didn't ski and didn't do anything more strenuous than a couple brisk, long walks. Methinks it's the bed that did it; why must hotel beds be so incredibly uncomfortable? My kitties missed me and were very happy that I was home and my home was in one piece so woohoo for me. Now I'm enjoying some chicken florentine, Big Bang Theory, and relaxing on the couch. Have I mentioned my back is crazy ass sore? Can I mention it again? My back is so sore and I'm feeling whiny about it.

Oh and my new year has started out with some good news in that I'm missing a rent increase by three months. Not that I'm really worried about any increase since my rent is ridiculously low but it's nice that I don't have to worry about it until April 1st. Woo!

Happy New Year-ish

2009-01-03T12:33:00.002-07:00

Well here it is officially 2009 and so here starts my new year resolution to write every day for at least a full month which I suppose will technically take me to Feb 3 since I've started late but I warned you I would 'cause I'm on a mini vacation and it's taken me three days (!!) to get internet into our suite.

The actually celebration for the 31st was very very very low key and while it was nice it's just not what I was hoping for. The boys crowded around the tv and watched hockey while the girls went off to the other room to play games. It was fun but I hate when a group is disconnected. The New York Times Square show that was on tv was retarded and switched off just before they started the countdown and so we missed it on every channel. And then one of our guys had left his champagne downstairs so we had our own countdown about 5 minutes late. Whatever works I suppose and really time is just arbitrary so it doesn't really matter. Consequently there were no kisses or hugs for me this year. No one really hugged anyone and the couples all smooched but there weren't even any friends style pecks on the cheek. That I found really disappointing since I had a couple of my closest friends here but what can you do when you're single and didn't bring your own person to smooch?

The weather here is gorgeous and I love the mountains. We have a great view in our suite and it's so sunny. Edmonton is having a BRUTAL cold snap and everyone at home is whining. ha. Today I'm on my own while everyone else is skiing and while I'm definitely planning to go out again and take some photos I think mostly I'm going to be relaxing and enjoying the tv stations that I love but don't bother to have/pay for at home. It'll be a good day and tonight should be a lot of fun since no one is getting up early tomorrow to ski. Really looking forward to a games/party night.

Christmas Eve Fire

2008-12-27T20:55:00.002-07:00

Just finished talking online with one of our salesmen in Calgary and there was a huge fire at our Calgary store on Christmas Eve. What a horrible thing to happen at Christmas, the whole shop is destroyed, the accessories and parts departments are both burned and severely water/smoke damaged, and the building is in need of massive repairs. We apparently lost three or four boats to the blaze as well. The only plus side is that it seems that the offices weren't hit badly and so important paperwork should be okay. If feel so awful for all the people who came to work only to find out that there's no work for them to go to. I don't know what the company will do but I'm sure that something will be in the works soon.

At home

2008-12-27T17:52:00.002-07:00

Well I'm at home so that means that I'm not getting out to the 306 to see Big Bro which makes me really sad. We're trying to set up some tentative dates that I can get out there but it will have to be in January and I think the first two weekends will both be out due to my plans. February and March see us going through four boat shows at work which are major ordeals and so leaving early any day is not an option. I'm hoping for the weekend of the 16th but we'll see.

J's surgery went well and she came home yesterday. She's happy to be home and Big Bro is happy she's home but she's very tired, sore, and cranky and doesn't want him to be away from here at all. Baby was staying with J's mom yesterday and probably again today just to let her relax a little more. I know it's easier that I'm not there but I had wanted to go to help so that Baby wouldn't have to go away and because they're so far away from me there's going to be so very few situations where I'll actually be able to go there to help them with stuff.

But anyway what's done is done and now I'm home. I've been really lazy today although pretty productive in the last couple of hours. Dishes are almost done, garbage is all picked up and clothers are starting to find their way back into the drawers and closet. My house was a disaster even for me which is saying sooo much. A first for me is that I'm actually considering taking down my tree; I've never taken down the tree before new year's eve but I'm just not in the spirit of the season and all the rest of the mess that comes with the tree is annoying me rather than making me feel like I'm home.

I don't want to be negative but I feel so alone and ignored right now. My closest friends seemingly have forgotten about me and if it wasn't for me making the first move in terms of any contact then I truly don't believe they would at all. My closest friend right now is Sug and she's so completely preoccupied with her bf that unless he doesn't want to do something with her (ie watch a girly movie or go clothes shopping) then she calls me. Even advanced plans are planned around him and she won't commit to anything without first seeing what he's doing and if he wants to do anything, not if they have anything planned but if he'll want to do something on that day.

The past couple of months have been particularly hard and I know she doesn't mean to or realize that she even does these things that hurt me so much but at the same time I don't know how to even talk to her about it. I mean even on Christmas she didn't send me any messages saying "Merry Christmas" all day; finally I caved and sent her one and then hours later she finally responded. Last year she was with her big family doing tons of traditions and she still had time to send me a message.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive; I know that I'm not doing too well at the moment but I'm not to. I don't want to think that I'm losing another friend to coupledom and I like her bf so it's not that. It's not that I want to take up the same amount of time in her life as I did before him but rather I want to at least get the same courtesy and respect and right now I'm not. She rarely even asks me how my day/night/weekend have been and we email every day. Every day I ask her how work is going and ask about things she's working on and I get one word or one sentance answers and she doesn't ask me about anything going on in my world. I'm there for her and care about what goes on in her world. Any time she needs someone to vent to or a shoulder to cry or someone to share good things with I'm there for her. On the other hand I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to, like she doesn't/wouldn't care anyway so there's no point in saying anything and there's certainly no reason to talk about stuff when she doesn't ever ask and when she changes the subject or answer with "aw" and nothing more. I know she cares but would it hurt her to actually show it?

Alright I'm done with my venting; I love her to bits and the new year will be better. I'm sure it's all in my head and if not then I'll find a way to actually say something to her and talk it out. Not likely though. *sigh*

Christmas Blues

2008-12-22T23:26:00.003-07:00

It doesn't seem that I will be able to see my Big Bro at Christmas again this year. Last year he and his fiance/baby momma had just moved out to the 306 and this year she's going into surgery (tomorrow) and will be in the hospital through Christmas. The hope was going to be that I could head out to the 306 on Dec 26 or 27th but she may not get out of the hospital until the 27th. So everything is up in the air and now I just don't know what is going to happen. It's so sad to celebrate without him and I really wanted to see my niece 'cause when they were here in November I got to see her for like maybe 10 minutes. I hate that they moved out there. I hate that I probably won't get to see them until much later in January. This year is so sad and hard already I didn't need this; I was looking forward to this for over a month.

So...

2008-12-14T21:09:00.003-07:00

here it goes. I've been gone forever and I've been missing the writing. Too much happens so quickly sometimes and the background stories are always so important to understanding the current happenings that I feel obliged to tell them but it takes so long and I'm not sure when it's too much. My new year's resolution is to write everyday on here for at least 30 days. While I would love to make it longer I think 30 days is just long enough to get the habit back. Why now? Well it would seem that the past few months have seen a drop off in people that I can really talk to or confide in when I need to vent or be happy or ramble or even just when I need a sounding board to work out something in my head. Writing has always made me better and has kept me sane. The last time I stopped writing entirely was when I was sick and that was horrendous. The worst part is that now I can feel the clouds moving in and I'm scared but have no one that I feel I can talk to. So the internet it is. And my beautiful unused journal which is for my eyes alone. Here's hoping I can stick with writing, I'm not starting my 30 days until January 4th because of how hectic everything is and soon, like in a week, it'll be the insanity of the Christmas/New Year's season. Until then I hope to introduce the people of my life and give their background stories as need be. Here it goes....

I remember....

2008-04-06T21:47:00.002-06:00

So I've spent a lot of time with pen to paper rather than fingers to keys and yet now I'm feeling much more of a pull to come back to here. I miss posting and to be fair I keep losing the papers that I write on. Awhile back I wrote this and I think this is what I want to start with...

I remember everything about the breakup. I remember the way the Christmas decorations looked in the living room and in the window. I remember the way the light played on his face. I remember the way his eyes looked and I remember the way his words felt. I can’t remember exactly what he said I only remember that he was telling me he wasn’t happy and it was me and us not him. I remember being in shock for a few minutes before I started crying and then crying for a few before I started sobbing and my whole body shook with each sob. I remember telling him that I can change and that everything just needed a little more time. I remember him holding me and I remember seeing the first of his tears fall from his eyes. I remember just repeating ‘why’ over and over again and I remember the hurt in his eyes and the way he looked as he saw me cry. I remember him trying to wipe my tears away and I understood then that it hurt him to do this to me. I remember his arms as he held me and the way that he rocked me ever so gently. I remember crying and trying to talk and I remember telling him I loved him with everything I had and everything I will; I remember knowing that that wasn’t a line but the whole truth. I remember him telling me that he loved me but he wasn’t happy and he didn’t know what else to do. I remember knowing that he truly did love me and it hurt so much to know that he loved me and yet I couldn’t make him happy. That hurt almost more than him breaking up with me.

I remember our last kiss and how long it lasted and how I could feel our tears on our cheeks. I remember the way he walked out the door and the way he sat in the car for a minute crying before he finally started the engine. I remember watching through the fogging window and my tears as he finally drove away and I remember collapsing on the floor crying like I’ve never cried before. My whole body cried and my heart felt like it was literally breaking inside my chest. I remember waking up still on the living room floor, the floor and my hair wet with tears. I remember going to bed and crying some more until I fell asleep again. That’s the end of what I remember. I don’t remember the next couple of weeks. I just remember hurting and being numb. I remember that I didn’t cry again until Christmas Eve and Day. I still remember it all and it still hurts just as much as it did then. If I’m not really careful then I’ll start to cry all over again.

It wasn’t the cleanest breakup. We still saw each other and then we even still spent time together as if we were a couple. Even once we stopped anything physical and stopped talking about us everyone that saw us and met us thought we were together. It just radiated out. And then out of no where he ended everything. Just emailed me one day with some very trivial junk and then said he’d see me in six months. Only that never happened either and I’ve barely seen him since. Each time people still think we’re a couple and each time I see the sadness in his eyes that I know is in mine too. Each time it feels strange not to be with him and each time we linger just a moment too long when we hug and when we touch.

And now he’s engaged and it’s not to me. It hurts like mad and I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I remember how it felt to watch him drive away the night he broke my heart and each time I’ve seen him leave since it feels the same way. It just hurts and I want to cry. The last time I swear I saw a tear in his eyes before he turned around and then I saw him wipe something away as he got further away from me. I remember it all…

seriously need to take a minute

2007-04-13T21:24:00.000-06:00

The past two months have been insane. Quitting one job and starting another... and my new job is a friggin' whirlwind of stuff. I don't know the products we sell at all and my boss is so busy he barely has time to give me work. I'm doing mostly projects and so I don't actually have like a list of daily tasks yet and it's been six weeks.

My family drives me a little batty too. I work for a company that sells recreational vehicles and construction stuff. My cousin wants a bobcat, my brother a quad, my dad a boat, and my mom hasn't gotten there yet but I'm waiting for it. And of course they all want to know about the family discount which I refuse to ask about until after my threee month probation is over. Crazy people.

Also, I moved. I no longer live with my cousin as he's moved in with his girlfriend who is amazing for him. They were both pretty cynical and almost bitter hopefuls and now they're together and I haven't seen him this happy in a really long time. So that just leaves me to be single. I don't have anyone else that I can say "whatever, so and so is single." Just me. Bah! Although it is a little fun to mess up everyone's seating plans... ;)

Back to the new apartment. I've only been here for two weeks yesterday and I love it. It's a 94 year old building and it suits me so perfectly. Everyone who's seen it so far are all saying that it's just me. Love it. It's different living on my own but not a bad different. A lot like when I was overseas. It's comfortable although I do miss having someone to talk to sometimes.

CB and I are pretty much done. I just don't care when I don't see him and I thought it was going to get a lot better since I have a normal schedule but not so much. He still goes to bed at 9 and I just can't deal with it any more. He wants more and unless I'm actually with him I'm not thinking of him. The schedule things piss me off. How can any one person continually go to be so flippin' early???? Even on the weekends he goes to bed at 9. So yeah, as great as it is when I'm with him it's not enough to want to be with him.

Oh and I've gotten reacquainted with a bunch of friends I had in high school and it's been amazing and fun. I've missed these people and the ex didn't like going to parties so these are the people that when we actually went out we had so much fun with. A couple of these old friends are ones that I've actually sat and thought about and wished I knew how to get back into touch with because I missed them.

It's been a fantastic couple of months.

Doing the happy dance

2007-02-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

I got the job! So exciting. My interview was more like a meeting than anything; I think he had his mind made up before I even got there. It was fantastic. As he was telling me about the different things that I'll be dealing/helping with I just kept thinking, "I can do that." I start on the 26th and so my countdown here at the college has begun.

My supervisor was away Friday and yesterday and this morning she's in training so I'll have to talk to her this afternoon about my resigning. I left my letter for her yesterday so she may've already read it this morning before her training. It's hard to say, she comes in before me and her secretary said that she left for training like 15 minutes after I started work this morning. Our offices are completely separate and on opposite ends of a hallway so I never see her. I faxed the placement company yesterday and haven't heard from them yet either which I think is odd.

But it's thirteen days and counting before I start something I can really sink my teeth into. I haven't been this excited about a job in a very long time. I hope it goes well and I'm pretty positive that it will. So far this year has been pretty interesting and it looks like things are finally starting to take shape in my world. There are definitely more changes to be had and I'm working on making things better and getting my life in some semblance of order; something that has been missing for a couple of years now. There's something to be said for finally feeling like I have a grip on things and that I have more control.

Next week I'll know

2007-01-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

So on Friday I spoke with the HR lady and let her know that I am interested in the personal assistant position and would like to further pursue that. The manager is away on holidays this week (left on Thursday)and will be back on Monday. I'll get a chance to meet with him and barring him completely hating me I'm sure this position is mine. Then I have to negotiate pay with them as there is nothing set as this position doesn't yet exist. That both makes me nervous and excited. I've already decided what I'll be asking for and what I'll settle for. So next week I'll know for sure.

I am hot and whining.

2007-01-29T15:02:00.000-07:00

I am hot. Super friggin' hot. So hot in fact that my face is flushed and I swear I'm starting to get boob sweat. And y'all thought I was meaning attractive didn't you; oh I only wish. As with most offices mine can't seem to regulate the heat at all. Some days I'm fine and some days I swear I'm going to die of heat exhaustion. I'm never cold when I'm at work. Never. I was built for the climate I live in and I love the cold. Summer can bite my lily white ass for all I care. I hate the heat and you'll never see me enjoying a day of lazing on a hot beach somewhere; I'd rather make my eyes bleed. For some unknown reason today I chose to wear a thickish sweater with pants and closed shoes. I can't fathom what was clouding my vision this morning when I got dressed. Shit I even brought a scarf and mittens to work with me. This sucks and I'm whiney and I'm cranky. I don't do heat well. My office mate is even commenting on how much warmer it is in our office today as opposed to most days. Great. Not only did I choose to wear a sweater with pants but I happened to do it on a day that the heater is blazing.

I'm so wearing a t-shirt, skirt, and open toed shoes tomorrow. Snow be damned I'm going to be happily cool.

A Choice to be Made

2007-01-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

My interview went amazingly well and they offered me two positions that I now have to choose between. This may be one of the hardest choices career wise that I've ever had to make. Both would be amazing opportunities for me and I think I'm well suited for both positions.

The first is a brand new position that currently doesn't exist so I would be making it up as I go. I'll be a pretty much a personal assistant to the division manager who has never had even an admin assistant. So I'd be creating my own responsibilities and guidelines and everything else. Apparently the division has grown so very quickly that he has become ridiculously swamped with things that he can barely get his job done let alone all the administrative tasks. This is the kind of work that I've done before and was a lot of what I did at my previous job. I like that I'll be basically creating the job and setting the position up. I really do enjoy working with someone and keeping things running smoothly and organized.

The second is a major undertaking of organization. Basically they haven't really set up a system to accommodate the growth in the company in terms of tracking inventory. Now that the company is looking to expand by four other offices in my city alone they desperately need to reorganize their main warehouse and convert their old system to the new one that they just recently acquired. Also they've hired two others previously who both quit after seeing the breadth of the job. I love that I would basically be in charge of running the main warehouse and I love the sense of accomplishment that I would get out of getting this all organized and set up to run smoothly. I was definitely more intrigued by this one as she was telling me about it. I love the amount of work that it would be and I love that I wouldn't ever be bored (like I am at the college right now). I would have to get a little dirty with this job and I'd have to learn how to drive a fork lift which I'm not a huge fan of but still.

I have to let the HR lady know which if either I decide to take by Friday. So I have some serious thinking to do about all of this. I will definitely take one of the positions and I'll be happy to leave the college although I am enjoying my time there and I like the people there but I can't wait to be no longer bored for 8 hours a day five days a week.

On another note, my pipes have quit making so much noise. No more knocking to wake me up six times a night. They still hiss though but that just makes it hard to sleep. Now all I have to do is turn off the tv and quit reading so many blogs and maybe I'll get a full night's rest. But not likely. Sleep well.

I can't sleep

2007-01-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

I live in a pretty old apartment building, I think it's nearing it's 40th birthday, and so it comes equipped with only the oldest water pipe heating system. Normally this isn't an issue for me as over the past year and a half I hardly ever hear the pipes. However, last week was really cold for us (-25C and such) but this week has been considerable warmer (today it's 8C; yes that's a 33 degree difference in 48hours) and so the pipes are pissed.

All night all I can hear is hissing and clinking and dripping and melting and knocking coming from the wall. Since the pipes run along the outside wall in my room I swear when I woke up at 1am this morning I seriously thought that either some really shitty theif was trying in vain to break into vehicles or that our building manager was suffering from insomnia and decided to finally shovel the parking lot. Alas though it was neither it was just the pipes making an unholy racket and preventing me from sleeping.

I woke up at least six times last night because of the pipes. I considered sleeping on the couch except the couch sits against an outside wall which has pipes running along it. I have no complaints about my building; I love my apartment but these pipes are killing me. Now that it's been warm for two days hopefully they'll be quiet tonight; I don't really want to go out and hook up with some stranger just so that I can get some quiet to sleep...

Not this month

2007-01-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

I talked to NY last night and everything is great. I love that we understand each other and I hope that when we do meet that continues. Basically it came down to me just not being comfortable with him paying my airfare and he got that. This was just a spur of the moment, out of the blue offer he put out there because he was going there for those weekends and it's where he grew up. I suppose I should've mentioned yesterday that his passport has expired and is in the process of being renewed which is why he can't come see me right away.

So we're looking into our respective schedules for February and early March and we'll go from there. He loves the area I live in and has been here before he knew me so he's very willing to come here. I feel so much better after talking to him and I have a little more faith that this time the reschedule will work and I feel quite confident that I'll meet him before the summer is here. It's all good, I can wait. In the end it's not like he nor I am going anywhere and when the time is right then it'll work out.

So NY, let's try this again....

2007-01-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

So NY (see last year this time) and I have been back in contact almost steadily since August/September and things have been good. I've not stopped caring for him but at the same time it became clear and necessary that he and I (in a sense) take time to figure some shit out considering our distance from each other. So I wasn't surprised to get an email from him very late Saturday night until I actually read the message. He wants to meet me on fairly neutral territory (not my nor his city) but still familiar to him and new to me. I have my choice of when between two different weekend dates. There won't be an issue with me taking the Friday off and really both dates would work for me. Here's the things that plague me though (in a nifty little list no less):

1. He has a (slight) track record of getting freaked out by huge things like this. I have a small concern that he may freak and back out last minute. Last time he missed his flight and then things got a little weird and we never did reschedule his visit. At least this time there wouldn't be a plane to miss so I don't have to worry about that but he may freak anyway and call it off before I'm set to leave. I don't think this will happen but it is in the back of my mind in a small way.

2. I've gained weight in the past three/four months due to stress and a wickedly unhealthy schedule that I would rather he not see. I'm not talking a couple of pounds that I'm being petty about... I'm talking a solid 50 pounds that I am now heavily working towards losing. Yes I'm vain like that. When I meet someone for the first time I like to look my absolute best and I don't right now. I have lost ten pounds since my final day at my night job but I have 40 more to go. I know it shouldn't matter and that it really better not matter to him but it matters to me and I'm horribly self conscious like that.

3. Since I'm only at the one job and it is a slight pay cut for me I'm not sure I can afford to go so soon (we're talking like Jan26). The airfare is about $500-600 and that's not overly bad but all the rest (hotel, eating out, activities) would make it tough for me.

4. I'm a little scared. Don't get me wrong, I really want to meet him. It would be a culmination of a year worth of correspondence that has left him solidly in my heart. Let's not be silly though and assume I mean that I'm in love with him; I'm not emotional that way and my rational self has my emotional self very well contained. But what if everything falls exactly into place when we meet and that's it. What if he is what he's been and what if it's wonderful and what if I want more and what if he wants more? Then what? We live on opposite ends of the continent in different countries in time zones two hours apart. This has the biggest opportunity to hurt.

Now my other dilemma is that he told me he'd pay for my flight. He said he realizes that this is really spur of the moment and short notice and he knows I'm in transition in terms of my job and so he'd be happy to pay for my flight so that he can see me. I can't really let him do that. Can I? I don't even like to let someone pay for me on a date let alone pay for my flight to see him for the first time. I can't, can I? This has been battling in my head for the past three days and I'm almost certain that I won't/can't let him pay for this but then this tiny little voice says 'why not? he offered' and while that may be true it just seems weird and wrong almost. Sweet and a little romantic in that mushy greeting card way but still not something I think I could allow.

"I can't let him pay but I can't pass up this chance to see him but it won't be the last chance but he did offer but...." Continue that train for a few days and you'll know what I've been going through and why I haven't been able to sleep since Saturday night.

What a way to start a new year. I want to go, I really really do and I may be able to swing it. If only I had a little more time then I know I could. We've managed to play phone tag over the past couple of days and so I haven't been able to talk this out with NY.

January 1, 2007

2007-01-01T19:31:00.000-07:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wishing everyone the best for 2007 and I look forward to all the new stories and posts.

All the best,
**kiss** Samantha

Back to the Grind

2006-12-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

Well I didn't get a call back. I'm not really as upset as I thought I'd be about it. The HR lady told me that although she really liked me and I was qualified she was concerned about my fit with the team as I was the youngest applicant. That I can understand, I guess. So I'm back to looking again although I'm more and more content with my college job. The money isn't bad by any means I'm just used to working more hours and so I get paid more. But I will continue my job search and hopefully find something that suits me much better.

And I only have another three days at my night job and then I'm done that forever. I'm having a hard time letting go but it's getting easier to do. There are so many things that I have to show my replacement and then I guess she's training someone in the new year and that isn't something I honestly believe she's capable of. I was stressing over all this but now I'm starting to just say 'screw it, it's not my problem.' My assistant manager is soooo upset about me leaving. She came back from a two week holiday on Saturday and that's when she found out. Add to that that my boss is gone now until the new year on holidays (left Sunday night) and left piles of shit for the asst.man. to take care of. A lot of the things my boss could've done but didn't. So the asst.man. is stressed like crazy trying to prep for our office closure and on top of that has to try and hire to replace me and learn all the extras that I've always done that the new person won't be doing. I feel for her, I really really do.

In happy news I've seen CB twice in the past few days. It had been a couple of weeks since I had seen him or even really talked to him but he called me last week after my mass email and wanted to congratulate me and also to let me know that he's finally going to be back from up north for awhile. He's been up north working pretty much straight for the past couple of weeks which is why I haven't seen him. So on Friday I drove down to his place and spent the night with him. I had to leave very early because I had to work Saturday morning but in the end I still got like 8-9 hours with him and it was super nice. We talked more about our families and our jobs and a bunch of little things that only time can allow to come up in conversation. It was a great night really. I always seem to forget how tall he really is and he was teasing me for being so short but it all works out.

And then he was in my city last night (and maybe even still tonight) and so I went and saw him after work for a couple of hours before I went back home so that he could get some sleep. I'm pretty frickin' excited because he'll probably be back in my city again next week and next week I only have the one job so I'm done at 4:30 instead of sometime after 9. We're planning on going to dinner if he's in town and we're both hoping for him to be in town because otherwise we won't see each other until the new year as he's going back home to his family for Christmas.

I don't really consider us dating nor do I take what we have seriously at all and I think that's more due to circumstance than anything. I'm very practical and very realistic about many things (sometimes I'm really not and yes I'm thinking of one particular on going instance that I may have to explain out sometime). My night job made things next to impossible for us to really get together and do anything. He works a pretty solid day; usually something like 6-5 or something along those lines with weekends off. Well that doesn't mesh with my old hours of 3-11 and then all weekend long. Considering also that we live 3-4 hours apart and I'm left with a situation where I can't help but wonder how much better this would be if things were more even. In the new year I think I may see how things go and whether or not this is anything even remotely serious. I won't be working nights and weekends and so it'll be easier to see each other. It's something I'm looking forward to and he expressed the same to me last night.

How quickly things change

2006-12-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard back from the interview but I'm not overly concerned. The interviewer was taking last week off for holidays and so I'll be giving her a call today to see if they've begun the second round of interviews or not. I'm keeping my fingers crossed as it just seems like the perfect job for me.

In the meantime, I've had some major changes with my other job... the one that I've been bitching about and stressing about and giving myself an ulcer over. The night job. I've sent out this mass email to all my friends and family this morning and even right now I can't sum it up any better so here it is:

**********

Good morning all,

Just thought I'd let everyone know that the day has finally come and I've quit -insert name of horrible night job here-. I've had enough of the witch hunts that have been going on and I'm tired of being the whipping bitch for the horrible women at head office (as I'm sure you're all aware); in the end the stress isn't worth it any more. They gave me a hard choice last night and I chose to resign.

So as of Dec 17 I will only be working at the college (the day job I recently started) and I'm going to be actively, much more actively, looking for a better opportunity in the meantime. I'm sad of course but this will be, I'm sure, a much better thing for me in the long run.

Wish me luck,
Samantha

**********

Basically they wanted my head on a platter over something that isn't my fault and over accusations that are unfounded and completely untrue. My boss has been fighting for me and was losing the battle. There were threats of deductions of pay, demotion, pay cut, and/or being fired. So I drew the line and quit. I had written up a resignation letter on Monday (when I caught wind of the accusations) and was going to give my last day as the end of January which would have given plenty of time to hire and train someone to replace me.

The problem they have now is that our office shuts down for the holiday season on Dec17 and doesn't reopen until Jan6. There isn't nearly enough time to put an ad in the paper, interview, hire, and train before Dec17 and even if they could who would be willing to start, work for less than a week and then take three weeks off? No one. The girl who was incapable of doing a quarter of my full job is going to have to be put back on the front desk and will be given all the rest of my responsibilities. She can't deal with it. She won't be able to handle it and the mistakes will be plenty and frequent.

My boss seemed really crushed last night; she didn't know what to do or how to handle this situation. She just kept saying/asking that I knew it wasn't her. And I know it's not her; I know she fought hard for me but I really do wish that she would've let me fight for me at least once in the past 6 months. Maybe then I wouldn't be leaving so abruptly. She hadn't even thought about who was going to take my place and how they expect to get someone trained enough to be able to do all I do.

All I can say is that the company is in for a very rude awakening come January. The incapable girl will be stressed and have breakdowns (she seriously cried all the time when she made mistakes) throughout January because over three weeks she'll forget most everything. This makes me both upset (for my boss who I really do adore) and really quite pleased (because the horrible bitches in head office will be screwed trying to fix all the mistakes and it serves the owners right for not ever stopping to find the real problems).

I have more to say about this but I'm at work at the college and I have a bunch of grades that have been just handed to me. I'm upset to say the least but not as bad as I was last night. I will be fine and I will find something far better and I will be happier than I have been in the past six months.

Waiting again

2006-11-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

The interview went well. The more I look back on it the more confident I am about it. Apparently it's a two stage interview and the lady who interviewed me is on holidays this week so her boss is continuing the first stage interviews this week. If I don't hear back from them this week then I'll call on Tuesday or so and see if they've gone through them all or not. My interview lasted about an hour or more and I figure that's a good sign. Have I mentioned that I really want this job? I do. Badly. Even more so now that I've had the interview and got even more information on it.

The current day job is going fine. I'm bored and have very little to do and despite everyone telling me I'll be horribly swamped in a couple of weeks, I'm not concerned. I hate being bored at work. Hate. It. Again though what can you do? At least I'm being paid well and I'm not stressed or really tired for my night job.

I'm super ass tired today and I could easily go back to bed. I have a catch in my back right now that hurts and I don't really have the space and time to stretch it out. I'll survive but it hurts and I can't bring my chair back up enough to support my back without leaning backwards.

Lordy I'm whiny today. So looking forward to having the next two nights off from my night job. I have to go and buy a tree for the office but I won't decorate until Saturday.

Anyway I should go and try to make myself productive until lunch.

I think I can, I think I can, I know I can!

2006-11-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

My mantra for tonight is:

I think I can, I think I can, I know I can

My interview is tomorrow. Tonight I left work for a bit so that I could go out and pick up some new clothes. It has gotten a lot colder and I've realized that I don't own any dark pants and my light ones will get dirty and look like trash from the walk I'll inevitably have to the office building. So I hope that my roommate stays up a bit tonight to offer me some advice on which of my new clothes I should wear tomorrow.

I'm super nervous and I think it's just because this is something I want so bad and I just don't want to screw it up. I know I can do this job, I know I'd be a perfect fit and that I have all the qualifications they're looking for. I know I can do it.

Now I just have to make sure they know I can do it.

My countdown begins.... 19 hours to go.... 19 hours till I hopefully change my life for the better....

Things are in Motion

2006-11-17T18:07:00.000-07:00

It has been some week. I let my boss know on Monday that I my hours will change on Tuesday and she seemed perfectly fine with it. I found out that I should still be able to get the deposits done because I have an hour lunch and I can take my 30 min worth of other breaks all at once. So far everything is going well and fine at the new day job and it's actually a lot less work than I was expecting. Right now there's not a ton for me to do because of the way that the sessions run. I'm pretty much in the middle of all the sessions and so until they end I won't be horribly busy. Not really a bad thing as long as I have some extra stuff to do; I hate being bored at work. The first week has flown by and I was on my own today and had no problems so that's all good.

The fabulous news is that the better job prospect has contacted me looking for an interview. Yipee!! There was a bit of a snafoo with my references and I ended up asking the assistant manager to give me one and I'm happy I did. I think that clinched it. So next week is my interview for that. I hope that I get it, I really really do. This is a much better position, one that will keep me busy and a permanent one. The company is huge. I just got their name today and have been reading up on them online and they're just a major corporation. The best thing about that are the possibilities for movement within the company. I'm a little nervous and very excited all at the same time.

I would feel bad about leaving the new job but the thing is that this is an opportunity that I can't pass up on so many levels. That and with it not being overly busy until about Dec 11-ish, they still have plenty of time to hire and train someone else to take my place. I've made great notes during my three days of training and have typed them all up neatly so that whomever replaces me has them all in order. I've gone about labelling everything that the girl I replaced didn't think to do and I've pretty much spent a lot of today setting everything up to make it much easier to train someone new. The girl I replaced had never trained anyone ever. Even though she's a teacher by training you could tell that she was super nervous and had very little notion as to how to train me. To her credit though, she had very very little in the way of training herself and had only been in the position for 5 months.

And finally I did get the new camera. It's an amazing piece of equipment. A Nikon D70 with a Sigma 100-300mm lens. My roommate bought it for me as an early Christmas payment and I am paying for some of it myself. He was able to get the price down although he won't tell me by how much. I'm going to give him more than he told me to because I know he spent far too much on it. I love it though. I haven't really had the time to sit down and read the manual since I've been working two jobs and have been quite tired so that's something for me to do this weekend. I'm super poor until next week so I won't complain. I love my new camera though; love it, love it. It's amazing and I got programs with it and a tripod and a very nice case. Hehehehehe... so happy right now.

That about sums it up this week. Next week will hopefully bring about even more good news. I really want this prospective job; enough to make me do my homework on the company. I'll have to give my asst. manager a huge hug tomorrow when I see her.

Two Interviews, One Job, One Prospect

2006-11-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

Grab a coffee, tea, or whatever and settle in for this one. Since Wednesday a ton has seemed to happen and I suddenly have a lot to say. Hope y'all are comfy 'cause this is a long one. ^_^

My interview on Thursday went really well. She was very impressed with my resume, my skills, and my scores on their evaluation tests. From that one interview I had a job by the end of the day. It's a temporary to permanent position. The temp contract ends at the end of August next year so it's not even really temp in my world. She's still going to look for and consider me for other permanent positions as they come up. It's great. I feel fantastic mostly because of the company that took me on. I guess they were offering a wage $3 less than I was asking for and when my recruiter sent them a resume for someone looking for a dollar more they told her no way and that they weren't going to go over their original offer. She showed them mine anyway because she liked qualifications and they took me and are giving me the $3 over their offer because they love my qualifications. That just made my whole week; I feel very justified now and I haven't felt this good and confident about my skills in a long time.

I had another interview on Friday with a different recruitment agency that I went to anyway, even though I now have a job. I'm so happy I did. Again my skills (I only had a short evaluation with this one), experience, and resume impressed the agent and she has me lined up to be presented to a major accounting firm. I need to complete a full computer skills evaluation (which she emailed me) by Tuesday so that she (based on my eval.) can pitch me to the firm. Basically with this job I'd be an assistant to a team of 4 senior executives and the pay is soooo much better than what I currently make; it's almost and extra $10K a year!!! So I'm going to spend my time tonight brushing up on my MS Office knowledge (I know it all relatively well but am rusty on a few programs) and then I'll take the evaluation tomorrow and have it to her by tomorrow night at the latest. This would be a major opportunity for me and I hope to the heavens that I don't fick it up. I want this, I want it bad.

The only downside so far is that now I really do have to talk to my boss and let her know that I'm changing my hours and starting Tuesday I won't be coming into the office until 5pm. I don't think this is going to be an issue because I'm not actually quitting and as it is I come in at 3 and have very little to actually do until after 5 when the rest of the staff show. The only concern I have is that I won't be able to do the bank deposits or pick up the bank drafts once I start working my new job. These are jobs that have fallen into my lap because my boss and the asst manager never seem to be able to remember to do them or are on time enough to do them. But that's not really my problem any more I guess. This weekend I have been so much happier at work knowing that I'm not stuck here forever and knowing that come the end of January I'm done here. Finally I can have a job with normal hours and I can have my weekends free. I've already told EB and he's thrilled for me.

So in other news I'm debating on buying a new camera. Not just a plain old point and shoot like I have now but a fancy and very proper Nikon digital camera with additional lenses and the sort. The chef at my favourite restaurant is selling his old set up completely as he's changing brands and getting a new one on his holiday to Europe. He's selling it for $2000 which is more than my laptop. I love taking pictures and have been wearing out my roommate's point and shoot. I've always loved film and the large cameras where you can play with the focus, etc. I'm going to go look at it tomorrow and then I'm going to talk to my photographer friend of mine to see if it's a good deal. I'm sure it is though. And once all that's done I have to really think if I want to spend $2000 on a camera and how to justify it to myself. I know that I'll be so happy to have a new camera and I know I'll end up taking a couple of photography courses. **sigh** It's a lot of money though.... I just don't know what to do about it. My roommate told me about it a couple of weeks back now and I'm still thinking about it.

You may have noticed a couple of minor changes on to my template. For one I got rid of my crying picture. I still love it but I thought that this was getting too dark, literally. In its place is a new picture of me; a self portrait I took yesterday that I really like. I hate pictures of myself but this one miraculously turned out well and so I thought I'd share it. I've also updated my blogroll as some of the links are old and the people have stopped posting. I'll be adding some more to the list tonight when I can get onto my laptop to access my entire favourites list which I don't have here at work. I keep hearing mixed reviews about Blogger Beta so I'm hesitant to switch over. The biggest worry I have is that people keep saying that it may mess up your template. I'm not that great at html so having to rework my template is not something I look forward to. It has taken me a long time to get this one just right. So I figure that either I'll risk it or I'll look for a whole new template and switch then implement that. If anyone can give me some feedback and/or tips on Blogger Beta it would be much appreciated. Oh and one more thing, does anyone know if you HAVE to have a google account? I already have three email addresses and I don't want to have to look after any more.

Nervous

2006-11-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have an interview tomorrow. I'm super super nervous about it and yet strangely confident at the same time. I will definately have to do laundry tonight and figure out what I'm going to wear since the interview is at 11am. It's for a staffing agency who deal in permanent and temporary positions and they charge the companies the finder fee rather than the individuals which kicks ass. So I have a standard interview followed by a skills test so that they can properly place me. The lady I spoke with yesterday was super sweet and I liked her questions; things like how much do you want to make and where can you work. I know that's kinda silly but I like being asked that up front and she was thrilled to hear that I was so flexible about where I can work in the city. To me it's nothing, I mean I live central (straight downtown)and I drive so really I can work where-ever. Then she was really impressed that I actually knew where their office building is. Admittedly I only know because it's where the current company's lawyer is and it is a really difficult building to find.

I haven't heard back from anyone else and I don't really like that. I hate having to do follow up calls when applying for jobs even more than I hate applying for jobs. I'll give it ten business days and then start calling around. In the meantime I'm looking again today at more postings and will be applying to more positions. And I'll keep my fingers crossed that this staffing agency takes me on because it's a great opprotunity to be shown to multiple listings that suit what I'm looking for.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and will be spending my free time at work tonight brushing up on my MS Office skills. Wish me luck.

New things for me!!!

2006-11-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

I got my new stuff today!!! I now own a new shirt and a new dress that are both goregous and fit soooo well you'd think I was there to try them on. CB is going to looove both pieces but the dress especially so now I really need to get down to see him. Let's just say they show off my assets really well and he's a very happy guy when it comes to my assets. hehehehe We aren't getting a day off this weekend which seriously sucks ass and I'm debating whether or not to make up an excuse to take a day off to go see CB.

Also with my packages came birthday presents for Nic and Jo whose birthday's are both next week. I hate holding on to presents and I really want to give them their stuff right now. And my mom's shirt came too but that I'll give to her this week probably Thursday. Now I have to order a few more things that I'll have to hold onto until Christmas and that blows but I'll make do with it.

And since I forgot to mention it yesterday (it was like 2am when I was posting) I also applied to about 13 job postings on Friday. All I have to do now is get a reference from my current boss and wait to hear back. I'm hoping that I hear back from a couple of them at least. We all know how badly I want a new job and although I won't leave here right away I do want to be gone before the end of January. It would just be so nice to have the extra money to pay off some bills. But on the other hand it would be nicer just to have normal hours and the ability to have weekends off.

Noticing the Changes

2006-11-06T01:23:00.000-07:00

So yeah CB noticed my new hair right away. I was once again greeted by a kiss and he just basically wrapped me up in his arms and then as he's hugging me he just all at once declared that I had new hair. I was so excited that he noticed so quickly and that he noticed in dim lighting. Really I am aware of how corny that is but it's just a thing with me. And as a side note I wore shoes that he'd never seen before and he noticed those too. They're kind of hard to miss at 4" high, with 5 buckles up the ankle, and with brass studs on the black leather. I love shoes. The resounding theory is that he notices my shoes because they make me so much taller than I am. Considering he's almost a foot taller than me any extra height I can get the better. It was a great night though. We spent about 4 hours together before I had to leave so he could go to sleep; poor CB I kept him up until about 1230-1am and he had to get up at 6am. He doesn't complain though and swears that I'm worth it. We have far too much fun together, clean and dirty. **wink** Although I really hate that we have such drastically different work schedules. My good news is that I may have one day next weekend off and if I do then I'm going to go down to see him and hopefully spend the day with him. CB has me hooked and right now I'm kinda liking it.

I've started doing my Christmas shopping already. I think this may be the earliest I've ever started but it's going pretty well already. The only problem is that for certain people I hate to make them wait. A shirt that I ordered for my mom arrived on Firday and I'm dying to give it to her now; I want to know if it fits and if she likes it right now and I don't want to wait. The other problem is that I always see things that I really like and if they're a great bargain then I have a hard time saying no. So I have a few new wardrobe pieces on their way to me from Hong Kong but no more shoes... I had to promise D that unless it was something practical for me to wear in the snow (his practical and not mine) then I won't buy them until afeter Christmas.

And finally I just have to say how much I love winter. It has been snowing here all the time during the past week or two and I'm in flippin' heaven. I love the cold. Truly and honestly the colder the better for me. The heat kills me unless it's self created. I'd rather have 20 below than 20 above any day. Besides you can never get cool enough, once you're naked that's it and you can't really be naked in public either. On the other hand you can always put more on if you're cold and it bears saying that it's way more fun to warm up than cool down and a much better excuse to get close to someone....

Almost on a whim

2006-10-25T21:11:00.000-06:00

I've changed my hair drastically.... last time I changed it I made it red and blonde which was quite different but nothing too too dramatic. This time I made it dark (pretty much black) chocolate brown and a really dark red. I love it!!! I've always loved my hair super dark (I've dyed it black once before) and even when I went plat blonde I told my stylist that before the end of the year I'd have it super dark again. Not everyone around me is keen on it. It is such a dramatic change and completely alters the way I look. One of my coworkers mentioned today that I've been wearing darker colours since I got this done on Friday. I had to laugh because I've always worn dark colours; you'd be hard pressed to find light colours, pastels, or white in my closet. I can tell you without exaggeration that I own only two white shirts, two white camis, and two white skirts. That's the extent of my white. But seriously, I love it!!!!!! I will definitely be keeping it up for quite awhile.

And, because I'm acting like a bit of a fool, I can't wait till CB sees it next week when he's back from Hawaii. I told him that I had a surprise for him. Being the horribly curious person he is he insisted I give him at the very least a clue. Being the torturous person I am all I told him is that it took 4.5 hours to do. Well that's not entirely true, when he guessed a new tattoo I told him no so he has that clue too. And did y'all catch that he was talking with me this week... while he's still in Hawaii??? Yeah I was super excited to be chatting with him during his holiday.

I'm still so giddy about my new hair.... love it love it love it....

The crazy of me

2006-10-22T11:11:00.000-06:00

Last night EB came over to watch the Grudge. Our intention was to watch the Grudge and then go see Grudge 2. I watched the original when it was in the theatres but he hadn't yet seen it. Well we didn't make it to the theatre but still had a great time watch the first one. He and I click really well but to be honest I'm still not sure what we're working on. Is it a relationship of the romantic kind or a friendship? We're so similar that I really just know that he's thinking the same and I'm assuming (I know I shouldn't do that) that he's worried about making any directional motions too. I don't know where I stand so I don't want to move and be wrong. Last night was really awesome and there was some tension there that would appear to be romantic in origin but I'm not sure so I didn't press it. And today I think I should've. We had a fun night, really great conversation (yeah we both talk in movies) and had a hard time saying goodbye but in the end I'm still not clear on this whole thing. Big frickin' arrrrrgggg!!!!! I guess I'll wait for the next time we go out and hope that something becomes clearer.

In other news I hurt. My body is aching and all my joints from the waist down are throbbing for no apparent reason.... and I may have pink eye. I've never had pink eye but sometime yesterday afternoon it got crazy blood shot and hasn't gotten much better since then. Add to that that my other eye is starting to look brutal and I'm just all sorts of dreamy. I figure if I wake up with ugly red eyes tomorrow then I'll go to the doctor. I'll have to wake up early to check so I can get in. Maybe I'll have pink eye and have to stay home from work.... I really wouldn't mind that so much.

I feel right wiped out today. Suppose I'll blame it on the movie. The first time I watched the Grudge I didn't sleep for a week after because I was so freaked. I scare easy and yet I love scary movies, the scarier the better which just makes me a little masochistic. But I digress, I was able to sleep pretty quickly last night and what I thought was a restful sleep as I woke up well before my alarm but obviously it was a crappy ass sleep as my body hurts and now I'm tired.

And finally CB went to Hawaii on Tuesday afternoon... you know right after Hawaii had the big earthquake. Monday morning it was still considered a state of emergency and he left on Tuesday. I didn't even know about the earthquake until he told me on Sunday. He called Sunday morning because he wanted to see me before he left (he won't be back for another week or so) but forgot that I work Sundays. I had a nice talk with him and almost went out there for just the night (literally be there only from 10pm to 5am) but my back was sore and I was thinking I may be getting a migraine. He didn't want me to come all that way while feeling not that great for only a few hours. It was a tough call 'cause a (big) part of me really wanted to go and he battled about whether or not to have me come out. So I guess I'll have to just wait until he comes back home. I'm finding myself wishing I could see him more often....

Fuddy Duddies!!

2006-10-12T11:34:00.000-06:00

Has anyone else seen the Ikea commercial with the couple fighting and trying to slam the drawers in the kitchen? Apparently Ikea has come out with self-closing drawers (and maybe cupboards but I didn't pay that much attention) that won't slam. This completely takes the fun out of fighting!!!! I think I would start to get more upset because there's no gratifying SLAM... I admit that I'm a slammer and thrower when I get really upset. I love the slam of a door or cupboard and constantly throw pillows and other non-breakable junk when I get all pissed off. I don't throw things at people though, just wanted to say that. Yeah I don't like this whole self-closing thing at all. Bastard Swedes! hehehehehe

On another note, I was at Babbling Brooke's blog today and saw this that almost made me cry. I doubt very much that I'd take a hug but I'd encourage whomever I was with to do so. The reality is that I barely hug the people I know let alone those I don't.

And talking about hugging don't you hate when creepy, leering old men insist on hugging you even though you've left lots of room between you and have your hand out for a polite handshake? Yeah I do 'cause it's always the old creepy ones that squish so hard my boobs get mashed... ick.

So many changes... so little me

2006-10-04T22:17:00.000-06:00

I'm in a ridiculously good mood and I know I shouldn't really be. I talked with EB last night and we're going to get together again this weekend and do something. I'm thinking this will have to be the date where we figure out if this is going to be a romantic thing or a platonic thing. One way or the other and I'm fine. But we've been flirting a lot during our last few conversations so I think this may turn out to be romantic. Still I'd like to know for sure. We connect so well that that is why I'm having a hard time with deciding which way we're swinging. That and I'm not really a touchy-feely-hug-someone-I-don't-really-know kind of person and he appears to be the same way so knowing when to breach that personal space is a little hard. But with any luck I'll have some answers this weekend.. *giggle*

And I'm also stupid happy because I got to see CB on Monday night and spent a good few hours with him. We talked about how I want to find a new job and am starting to actively seek one out. We talked about how getting a new job means that we can see more of each other. He brought this up; he said he hates that he can't see me much because our hours clash so much. There's something about this man that just gets me. I was having one of those irritating days where things at work just wouldn't go right and everything got backed up but as soon as he opened the door and pulled me into his arms it all went away. And although I'm not a real touchy-feely-hug-someone-I-don't-really-know kind of person I've always felt comfortable with him and especially with him being close to me. Since the first time I saw him; it was odd because it was just right to hug him.

With that I have to say that I really do hate my job although not as much as I did a week or so ago. The hours are getting on my nerves (I work nights and every single ficking weekend) and head office was starting to really get on my case about shit. Basically someone would point a finger at me and the whole of the head office would jump down my throat before anyone bothered to check the facts. The past few months has seen me covering my ass more than my underwear. So I am starting to look for a new job. I haven't submitted any resumes anywhere yet but I'm sorting through postings and trying to figure out where to apply and how to tailor my resume. Yesterday the decision came down from head office that they're cutting out my position for this office to centralize all customer service to the head office. So now I'm back doing reception and admin. asst. and so on. Basically they cut out half my job and then it got replaced with a different quarter. Not that big a deal because I've done reception before and I used to do it while doing admin.asst. and customer service and so on. Part of me is happy because I'm not a big fan of dealing with the shit that I had to being customer service and it means that head office (particularily the woman who hates me the most and has it out for me)can't really give me shit any more so I shouldn't have to look over my shoulder as much. Part of me hates it because some of our clients hate dealing with the head office and I still sorta have to deal with them.

Anyway the end of the story is that I'm looking for a new job. I'll probably work both until the end of January or the end of my sanity whichever comes first. I love my boss and I won't leave her in the lurch by leaving with only two weeks notice. I'll stay and train my replacement super ass well. EB and CB both love that I'm looking for a new job. So does Tog which is kinda odd because I really don't ever see him. So it looks like there'll be plenty more changes coming up for me.

The End of September

2006-10-01T10:10:00.000-06:00

This past week has been a little crazy and so be prepared as this may get a little long. I do have more than just my social life that's weighing on my mind but right now that's all I want to talk about. The real issues I'll save for another day as it's a lazy Sunday morning at work and I don't want to think about them.

I did go out with EB and we had so much fun. It was a really great night as we caught dinner before the movie and I really enjoy his company. He tells stories as much as I do and we relate really well to each. Our similarities continue to freak me a bit as in the movie he talks like I do. Now I'm not a big talker and I certainly don't narrate what I see in front of me but I do make comments here or there and I do share if I think something is particularly funny or whatever. So during the movie I find that he's leaning in to say something to me as much as I'm leaning in to say something to him. It's really odd but quite awesome all at once. He had to dash off after the movie as he was scheduled to work at 7am the next day; I feel for him as I work every Saturday and Sunday with a 9am start time.

So I can't wait to see him again and I've talked to him throughout the week too. Still not sure how I feel romantically about him but it's only been two dates and so I don't think I have to decide that right now. I am attracted to him physically and his personality just thrills me. I guess I'll have to wait to see him again to decide on the rest.

My other date with Mac got postponed from Sat to Sun because he broke his hand Fri night and didn't want to cancel last minute as he was going to the emergency room which tends to have insane wait times. Then on Sun it got moved to a lunch date Mon because he got really wicked sick. I was online with him for awhile on Sun while I was working and he kept getting up from the computer. We figure it was mild food poisoning as friends of his who ate with him Sat afternoon were feeling ill also. He felt so bad for cancelling twice and although I said it was fine he kept apologizing for during lunch.

We got along well but I can't say that I'm all that attracted to him. He's shorter than I was expecting (I know that sounds shallow but I can't help it) and he just seems really young. He's a year older but the stories he was telling and the life he was describing just seem young to me. It's like he's in a place that I've already passed. If it comes up then I may go out with him again but I'm not sure we clicked all that well. We definitely had fun and it was a nice lunch, I could be friends with him and he'd be great to go to a bar with. It was good.

** whew this is getting long... when did I suddenly gain such an active social life? **

CB's meetings on Thurs got pushed back so he had to move his dental surgery (having a back molar implanted) to Fri morning. He called me Wed night to let me know about all the changes and so we planned on me still coming out Fri depending on how he was feeling. Due to the stupidity of my new receptionist, I wasn't able to take Sat off as she is incapable of doing contracts correctly and Sat is always a busy day for us (and it was and she did screw up the one contract that she did). But just the same I was willing to go down to see CB, play like a nurse ;) and then leave at like 4am Sat morning to make it to work in time for 9am. We made no serious plans though because he wasn't sure how he was going to react to the surgery.

And lo and behold, he didn't react well. He called me at 2 (4 hours after he left the dentist) still really groggy, very tired, sore, and a little nauseous from the anesthetic. In the end I didn't go see him but he's coming back into my city this week for three days. I'm going to call him today and see how he's feeling. I hope he's coming in tonight 'cause then I could go see him right after work. Otherwise I'll content myself with a lunch date or two. With the hours I work, and the hours he works, he'll be in bed each night he's here before I'm done work. I hate that... I hate that it's pretty much impossible for me to take time off and right now I hate my job to begin with and this isn't helping.

I dare say that I'm really smitten with this guy (I love the work 'smitten'). It's great that he lives out of town because otherwise I might be really messed up about him. I don't know what to do with this guy but I'm liking figuring it out.

** are you still here? :) glad you made it through **

Two Dates and One Pending!!!!

2006-09-21T21:40:00.000-06:00

K so whoo hoo me!! EB got his computer fixed and sent me an email and then we got chatting online and we have a date set up for tomorrow night. I'm super excited. We're going to see Little Miss Sunshine at this awesome old theatre. After that there's this really quaint coffee shop on the same block and so we'll probably head there.

And then on Saturday I'm going to a comedy club (that I've enjoyed before) with a new guy Mac. It should be really fun. He and I have been talking online for a couple of weeks as he works out of town. It's kinda odd because it turns out that he lives one block south of me. Keeping in mind that Tog lives one block north of me... it makes this all a very funny coincidence in a way.

Also, CB came back in to his city from out of town. I was thinking about heading to his city for tomorrow but now I have a date. So he's heading back out till next Thursday so I figure I'll head down to his place next Friday night and try and take the day off Saturday so we can spend some time together. I'd have to be back for Sunday morning but I think that's better.

So all in all I'm happy and I'm going to have a weekend of fun. Wish me luck!

More about CB

2006-09-14T23:02:00.000-06:00

Okay I know that this is probably getting old but I don't care. I saw CB again last night. I was having the worst week ever at work and my boss finally seemed to be okay with me so I asked for the night off. As soon as she said yes, I excused myself and called CB to tell him that I was going to be off at 6. It turned out great because he was done with his stuff at 7 and so I had time to go home, change, retouch my makeup and then head out to where he was staying. He was out in a city just a little bit out of mine; same place that he was Sunday night.

We watched a movie and just hung out. I love the way he smells and I love the way I fit beside him. He makes me feel perfect; not too small and not too large. It's just flat out natural to be with him and I'm not used to that. I hadn't slept since Saturday night and I could've easily slept beside him. We were both drifting off and he keeps pulling me up against him and just holding me. He strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head. As I breathe him in he starts to stroke my back and pulls me closer. We both almost fell asleep and it was so nice. But alas, I left after the movie because he had to get up at 4am and I really don't want to be up at that time and heading back home.

So, he's coming back here (I just typed 'home' hehehehehe)next week and so I'll see him again at that time. I think I'll take a Saturday and/or Sunday off and go down to his city to see him too. It'll be odd and I can't believe that I'm taking time off work for a guy. This is all very new and very odd and I'm definitely leery about it. I don't want to get too into him because that's just setting myself up for disaster.

On another note, I haven't really heard from EB. I never did get his number, that's something that the two of us just missed. We mentioned it and laughed about it on our coffee date but never recitified the situation as we were just talking far too much. Last time I talked with him online his computer was acting like it was possessed, which is something that he was telling me about during coffee. I hope I hear from him again but I'm not counting on it by any means.

oh the Brads!!!

2006-09-12T11:59:00.000-06:00

I went for coffee with EB.... it was so much fun and I had such a good time with him. I think he felt the same and the date really ended far too early. The reason for that is all me... I wish it wasn't my fault after the first 15 minutes with him. Since it was just a first date and I really didn't know what to expect I made a later date with CB. CB is in town currently and he didn't have to get up quite so early on Monday. So I gave myself an hour and a half for coffee with EB before I had to leave to go meet CB. Well an hour and a half wasn't long enough and I think we could've closed out the coffee place. So that's really nice.

With CB we watched the Break Up and just enjoyed each other's company. I just feel so comfortable with him and it's just really great to be with him. He'll be here for a couple more days and I'm going to try and take tomorrow night off work to spend it with him. He's going to let me know today whether or not he's here till Friday. If he is then I don't have to take tomorrow off but I still may so that I can spend both nights with him. I'm just really enjoying myself with him.

I spoke with EB last night and he said that he had had fun Sunday as well and that we should do it again soon. I completely agree. The only moment of awkwardness was right at the end as he and I were parting ways. I never know if I should hug or not. I thought that he was slightly moving to a hug but I'm just not sure about things like that. On top of that, I'm not a huggy person in general. If I don't know a person then I really don't feel comfortable hugging them. Which may be why it just caught me off guard when it was so easy to hug CB as soon as I met him in person. I hope I didn't make a mistake in not hugging EB but there's nothing I can do about it now.

This is definitely crazy as I've not dated since high school. It's just an odd sensation to be in this dating world and I'm not doing too badly.

In other news, I hate my job. I need to find a new one and need to do it immediately. Yesterday was perhaps one of the worst days ever. Part of it was my fault entirely, part of it was my fault just a little, and the largest part of it wasn't my fault in the least. I'm marginally worried that I may get fired over what isn't my fault but after a night to think about it I'm sure I won't be. It's not that I'm irreplaceable but rather that I'm going to be very difficult to replace. Currently I do the work of 3 people. You can't find someone to do all that work for what I get paid; not someone in their right mind which I'm obviously not. I know it's seriously time to find something new because for the last month I dread going to work everyday and it's not that I'm at work wishing I was somewhere else but rather now I'm wishing that instead of at work I wish I was at home and in bed. That's key for me. The last time I felt like that I was becoming seriously sick and it's signal that I've learned not to ignore. I should never be wishing that I was in bed every day.

So let's see where this goes...

2006-09-08T11:53:00.000-06:00

CB came into town on Tuesday and I actually got off work about 2 hours earlier than expected. I met him at his hotel and we went for a little stroll to the nearest starbucks to get a coffee and then headed back. It was so nice. We just watched tv, talked, kissed, and had a great evening. We click. It's bizarre for me and I'm not sure how to take all this. It was a good night though and I like spending time with him. No, I didn't spend the night and no I didn't sleep with him but I could've spent the whole night kissing him and just laying there with him. He said those sentiments to me before I could say a word which is wonderful for me because I'm just not expressive like that.

So now I find myself starting to wonder how to make this work. He lives 3 hours away. He works a M-F day time job and I don't. My hours are f*cked up and have been an issue when I've tried dating people before. The difference is that in the past the guys live here and so it was easier to work around. I don't want to be thinking of anything beyond our next date because it's just easier if I don't. I don't want to consider too much because it has only been two dates. I never want to be that girl that gets overly excited; I've never been that girl and the notion makes me uncomfortable. My friends are all really excited for me though. I think I may take next Sunday off so I can go down and see him. Of course that depends on his plans and if I actually have the gumption to take a day off to go on a date. It seems so bizarre to do.

Now, while things seem to be going well with CB I have met another guy online that I've been chatting away with. EB and I are just like two peas in a pod. The crazy thing is that there are so many off the wall things that we have in common; things that I've never met anyone one else that have had that in common with me. We both hate breakfast and love leftovers for breakfast. We both have a major road trip to see all the "World's Largest" planned and sitting on the back burner. We both love the old school horror/thriller B-movies and black and white movies. Just a ton of stuff. So I'm really excited about him too. I have my first date with him on Sunday. He suggested the day and I suggested this really obscure, out of the way cafe that I love but haven't been to in forever and it turns out that it's one of his favourite places and he used to go there all the time too. It's just crazy. So we'll see how this goes. I'm nervous and excited at the same time and I just look forward to talking to him again and I hope to do so before Sunday.

So I'm pretty overwhelmed right now. I don't really like dating and I'm not really comfortable that I'm dating. At least I've sorta gotten to know EB from chatting with him and I've seen pics and he's seen pics but it still feels like a blind date. CB just excites me and we click and we have chemistry but he lives 3 hours away and I just don't want to consider how I'd have to change things to accommodate a relationship with him but I seem to be thinking about it. I'm so not a dater.

About the news about my Ex, I knew it would happen but it's still a shock based on what all his friends have told me. I'm numb and sometimes I want to cry but I won't. I can't believe he's engaged and it's not to me... it really hurts and I didn't expect it to.

Winded

2006-09-05T17:53:00.000-06:00

He asked her to marry him this weekend.

The New Spontaneous Me Coming Through

2006-08-28T11:46:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been doing things that are traditionally out of my norm. I've always been a little spontaneous and a little daring but over the past couple of years it's been toned down tremendously due to work and school and perhaps a little fear as well. This seems to be quickly changing. From approaching more guys in the bar to just flat out getting out and doing stuff on a whim. I've started taking more photos and even taking self portraiture. Maybe that's not so abnormal but what really is is that I'm sharing these photos with others. I hate pictures of myself and I hide pretty much any that I have. My friends tease me horrendously because I've been known to burn/cut negatives to keep people from making copies of pics of me.

Anyway I digress. So I know I've mentioned that J put me on a dating website. I haven't been taking it seriously a couple of the ladies in my office are into it now too so I've been checking it a little more frequently. Nothing really comes of it; not a lot of things catch my eye on there and of the people I end up chatting online with, very few can seem to hold a decent conversation.

So, I was home on Thursday as is my norm and went online to check out what was happening on this site. There was someone who popped up to im with me and his profile was vague at best. I don't know why I chose to talk with him he's 32 (I'm 24, 25 this week), doesn't live in my city, didn't have a pic posted, and pretty much wrote nothing in his profile. But I did start chatting with him and we really clicked. So we switched to msn messenger and then to the phone. We talked for a couple of hours and then I had to run to do some work and errands.

When I came back home, he came back online and was teasing me telling me I should come out and see him. The thing is CB (I can't just calling him him) doesn't live in my city. He lives about 3 hours away from me. I was kinda wishing I could go but I did already have plans. Until J called and asked if it was alright if she bailed 'cause she was having a miserable day and was really grouchy.

Suddenly I was able to go see CB; he was online with me while I was talking with J and so I told him I was game if he was. He called me in like two minutes completely shocked that I was going to come but totally into it. So I got the directions from him and then had to pack a couple of things and get ready to leave. Then I had to find an excuse for D for why I wasn't coming home that night. J totally had me covered there and I love her dearly for it.

With that I was off. It was the worst drive out to that city I've ever had. Every time I go there something goes wrong and the drive is never smooth. In this case I hit three different accidents, a bout of construction, and two different thunder showers. And I only had directions for most of the way there and so when I called CB for the last bit (and I had to choose to go east or south) my phone cut out 'cause the battery was almost dead. I went south and that was apparently the right way and I was able to get my phone to work and in a couple of minutes I was there.

He was better looking than his photos and his voice was deeper than it was on the phone. And he's huge!!! 6'5" and solid. I'm only 5'6" and when he opened the door and gave me my first hug I was wearing my 3.5" heels and still had a hard time reaching up to hug him. We just clicked. He said I looked better than my pics and better than he expected. It was a fun night, we watched movies and talked and kissed. No, I didn't 'sleep' with him. That's not my style at all!! But I did truly sleep with him and that was really nice, short lived though as we went to bed really late and he had to be up really early for work.

Now, I've talked to him a couple of times and he's going to Vegas tomorrow. His job brings him into my city for a couple of days at a time and a few times a month. So he's coming back here in about two weeks and I get to see him again. I'm excited about him but not hopeful. I have no expectations about this but I'm looking forward to see what happens. He's awesome and we just get along surprisingly well.

Stupid Blogger

2006-08-22T01:09:00.000-06:00

Stupid blogger locked up my blog like the day after my last post until tonight. Apparently the the 'spam bots' flagged it as a possible spam blog and it shut down this and my other blog.

I have more to say but I'm kinda tired so I'm just going to be happy that I can write again and say good night.

Wedding

2006-08-10T11:55:00.000-06:00

The wedding went very well. I didn't really get any rest at all throughout the weekend as I was super busy with all the preparations. But it ran smoothly and An was happy. Now I'll be busy all week putting together a Flickr website for the couple as I alone took over 300 pictures during the wedding day and gift opening.

No one seemed to have issue with me that I caught on to. I'm not sure what possessed her to tell me that because everyone I talked to was really friendly and super happy that I was able to help as much as I did. Of course I didn't fight with anyone, I never do shit like that.

Seeing Ex wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He totally snubbed me during the mingling period after the ceremony. At the reception I could see him looking at me and while I was in position to take pics of the cake cutting he moved to stand right behind me but didn't say a word. So I initated the hellos and then left shortly after saying hello. Although we did talk later on in the evening for about 30-45 min. That was really nice. I miss the friend I had in him and the way that I know him and he knows me. He said the same. And then he broke a bit of my heart when he left. It's funny how in one small sentance he can make me so sad. I don't still pine for him but there is always going to be a part of me that loves him; I can't help that and I don't want to.

So all in all it was a great weekend and An is seemingly really happy. I wish her and her husband all the best in the world and now I have to go through 300+ pictures to post them online for everyone.

What the fuck?!?!?

2006-08-03T01:53:00.000-06:00

So I'm over at An's house tonight and we're working out her make up for her wedding. As we're finishing up and I'm packing up all my stuff she gets this odd look and starts to say something, hesitates and starts on a different sentance. This is classic An when she doesn't really want to say something that she feels she has to. What comes out next is her reminding me that everyone is going to be very stressed at her wedding and to be nice and not get angry or frustrated with the people around me. She follows this by assuring me that I'm not the only one that she's saying this to; that she's having to tell everyone this.

I'm a little blind sided by this; I mean really what the fuck?

I don't really know anyone at this wedding besides An. I don't even really know the groom which is seriously messed up because An has been my best friend for almost nine years now. But apparently there are people who currently have issues with me or are not fond of me. I'm assuming this in on the groom's side but she didn't get into it. All she really said was that she didn't know the whole story and she doesn't really want to either. And then came the reminder again to just try not to let people bother me or get to me as it's just going to be stress.

I can't believe she actually believes that I'll cause a scene or something at her wedding. And on the drive home it occurs to me that if people that I never really see and don't even know have issue with me then it's because of what they've heard about me and that means that they must've heard it from An at some point because no one else knows me. How insane is that???

So I may be going out with An tomorrow to finish up some of her running around because she doesn't drive and I have the day off. I think I may have to ask her about it because it is bothering me quite a bit. I feel like I'm back in grade school and people hate me without knowing me. It's like moving to the small city all over again. How is it that people can take issue with me without meeting me? I don't go around yelling at people or being rude or anything like that. Every time I've met any of her family and friends I'm always really nice and friendly and make sure to include them in any discussions. I'm not really sure how I should be feeling about this. I'm taken by surprise and miffed all at the same time. I will definately have to speak with An to get this shit straightened out. I would like to know who has issue with me so that I can make that better as I just don't like the idea of people disliking me for no reason.

Yeah, now I'm definately not looking forward to my weekend ahead. Spending the only days off I'll have all summer with people I don't know and who don't like me already. Sounds like so much fun. The only good thing will be watching An get married and that should make her really happy. And I look good in my bridesmaid dress.

Going to Hell...

2006-07-26T23:47:00.000-06:00

So I'm apparently going to die and be missed so I figured I'd at least find out why I'm going to hell. I couldn't decide on which sin I'm most guilty of so I picked the top two. (and as an aside it's like 3am and I can't sleep so here I am posting)

(So this was a couple of nifty pics with the information inside but it messed up the spacing so I've chosen to remove the pics.)

Why are you going to Hell?

You're here because...
...you lie to everyone - claiming you own a unicorn
...you punched Santa because he left coal in your stocking.

Thanks QuizGalaxy.com for clearing that up for me!!!

If I die before I wake....

2006-07-26T23:43:00.000-06:00

Hee hee.... I'll have to keep this in mind to add to my will...

What will your obituary say:

Suddenly at midnight, Samantha died after muttering 'rosebud.'

Samantha will be terribly missed by the guys at the legion.

Thanks QuizGalaxy.com for taking on the burden of writing my obit!!

Answers at 2am

2006-07-21T01:32:00.000-06:00

So no one may care but I have to enter a post that has the song information for the stuff from the last post. It's something that bugs me not to do. I'm a little odd that way and I'm well aware of it.

In other news, I'm feeling great and things seem to be getting better. I'll be submitting my resume to a law firm with the hope of getting a second job. With this I hope to be able to pay off my debt in about a year or less and then I can really consider going back overseas.

The only glitch in this is that I'm never sure where I'll be in a year. Maybe that's not what I want. I want to finish school first but my heart's not in it so I don't know how well I'll do anyway. But I'm still going to apply and I really do hope I get a position there that will pay me well. Maybe I'll just take that one and leave my current job. I've never had a 9-5 job and it really seems so very appealing.

But on to the reason for this entry... songs!

1. Holly McNarland - Elmo
2. Anna Nalick - Breath (2am)
3. Kelly Clarkson - Miss Independant
4. Stabilo - Everybody
5. Christina Milian - Say I
6. Savage Garden - Crash and Burn
7. KT Tunstall - Universe and U
8. Madonna - La Isla Bonita
9. Sarah McLachlan - Hold On
10. Sarah McLachlan - Dear God

Kinda Bored

2006-07-15T16:50:00.000-06:00

No I'm not feeling completely better yet. The runny nose is now pretty much replaced by the choking cough that rivals any and all smokers hack. But that's not the point today. Today I'm a little bored. I've been on the front reception desk all day at work and now I'm done all the busy work I can do. There's not a lot that I've accomplished but I have read all of the blogs that I love and many of the ones that I just don't get the time to keep up with.

And with that in mind, I keep seeing this on other people's blogs. The listing of the first line of the first twenty songs played at random from your playlist. Me, I just listened to the first ten and wrote down the lines because I thought it would be interesting. I found it entertaining for about an hour or less and so in trying to occupy myself more, I'm going to post it here as that will kill more of my day. I luv ya'll and so I don't mean to torture you but at the same time I wonder how many of you can figure out what these songs are by the first line.... feel free to let me know.

1. I'm still thinking about Elmo, I'm the five o'clock special
2. 2am and she calls me because I'm still awake.
3. Miss independant, miss self sufficient, miss keep your distance
4. Doesn't anybody know how to walk any more?
5. I've got the urge to scream out... ***if anyone can decipher the last part of this line I would love you because I listened to it four or five times to no avail.***
6. When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you.
7. Fire burns, water calms, you cool me down
8. Last night I fell for SanPedro.
9. Hold on, hold on to yourself for this is going to hurt like hell
10. Dear god hope you got the memorand I pray that you can make it better down here

And I know that these aren't all complete sentances but to me they're the first lines as they all happen before any kind of pause or drawn out note. You may disagree but then you aren't me.... hehehehe

Oh the boogers!!!

2006-07-12T11:38:00.000-06:00

Oh the boogers!!!! I pretty much feel fine except the boogers won't stop. I would give my left hand to make the boogers stop..... okay well that's an exaggeration but you get the idea. My nose is constantly running and during my client presentation yesterday I had to stop like three or four times to leave the room to blow my nose. And that's not saying anything about the *sexy* nasal voice I'm sporting right now too. ;) Not to so good really but some people think it's hot... those people are the kleenex people because when I talk they hear money.

Finally Something Good

2006-07-09T00:17:00.001-06:00

So I'm feeling a little better. Not a ton but it'll do for now. I'm sure I'll be fine in about a week or less and so all is good.

The bridesmaid dresses came in. Mine fits great from under the bust down but the top part fits dreadfully. I knew this was going to happen so I just have to take it to a seamstress now for alterations. That and it's entirely too long. But I'm not upset by this because I was expecting it.

Tog (my friend who was ill last week) is feeling a lot better and his mood has gotten better too. He's been out and about and I think it's helped. This is very good because I love talking to Tog but it was getting kinda tense there for a bit and I wasn't sure how long that was going to be going on for. We're new friends and so it's not like there's a ton of history or anything like that between us. But like I said, he's feeling better and all is slowly sorting itself out.

I got myself a laptop and am super ass excited about it. There is nothing like being able to lie in bed and chat with people or do work or just dick around on the internet. I'm loving this and since part of my tax refund is going to cover a bunch of it, I'm a very happy girl. I think I may get a digital camera next as the one the I borrow from D is kinda shitty at times and I have a hard time using it. But we'll see. I'm still a big fan of the manual cameras.... but it's so much easier to store the pics on the computer when I don't have to scan them in first.

An's dress is coming along fairly well. There's still a lot of problems but she's less stressed and is taking more control of the situation. This is very good indeed. It should be done within two weeks.

I have most of An and I's appointments set up. I'm taking care of all her grooming needs and whatnot for the wedding so that she doesn't have to think about anything like that. All she has to do is show up for the appointment and everything else is covered. I'm just finishing up the invites and stuff for her stagette too. I should have all those sent out tomorrow for sure with follow ups to be done next weekend. The wedding jewellery that I ordered for her came on Friday and it's beautiful. There are two sets for her to choose from and one could've been either gorgeous or tacky. It's gorgeous and I think she may go with that one for the wedding.

And on one more final note, another friend of mine from a while back is back in the country and has looked me up. It was a guy that I met early this year and we went out a couple of times for coffee but then with my schedule and his we didn't get to really see each other again. I thought that was that when I hadn't heard from him in a long while. Then last week he caught up to me online and we chatted for a bit online and on the phone. I knew he had gone on holidays to Thailand but I didn't realize that he was there for three months. That totally explains his disappearing act. So, we've been for coffee once already and we're going out again sometime this week. It's always so nice when people unexpectedly drop back into your life.

So I guess there is some good after all. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'm done with the bad karma for awhile now.

I hurt

2006-07-05T14:14:00.000-06:00

DISCLAIMER: Nothing good has happened to garner a post. On the other hand, more shit is going on and so this isn't a pick me up kinda thing. You've been warned. :)

So now I'm sick. I've been sick for the past week or more. Basically I haven't been able to eat since last Monday-ish. Every time I eat I get really nauseous and headaches. It's not any particular food, it's everything. Also I'm not hungry (which I'm sure is because I feel ill after eating). Yesterday I managed to have some crackers and cheese with very little after effects.

Also, I've been getting migraines at night (and some mornings) again. So thrilling!! I hate them. The other night my vision was all blurry and I could barely hear. But what can you do? I'm sure it's all stress related and I don't want to go to the doctor because that's what he'll tell me (that and I hate going to the doctor). Or he'll tell me to go and get blood work done... not happening! I have the worst and most irrational fear of needles. I won't go for blood work so he can look at the results and tell me that it's stress and I need to take it easy.

Now yesterday morning my throat was killing me and my glands were definitely swollen. This morning my throat is fine but my nose is plugged, my ears are plugged, I have a mild cough, and the headache from 3am last night still hasn't stopped pounded. **Update: I just checked and now I have a fever as well. And laughing makes me cough... nobody be funny today ;)**

Did I mention I can't sleep either? More so than usual. Every morning I finally fall into an exhausted sleep at about 5am and then wake up at 8am at the absolute latest... usually it's a 6am wake up for me.

I hate that this whole blog has quickly become the biggest downer out there. I wish I had better news but I don't. There's so much emotional shit going on right now too that I don't really have the strength to deal with. All I'll say about it, for now anyway, is that I don't understand why every time I let someone get close to me, they end up causing me grief and heartache.

It hurts, I hurt, and my body hurts. I want to just sleep for a long time and wake up to something better.

I'm so tired.

He's home

2006-07-02T11:23:00.000-06:00

So D is home now; he came home on Friday. They still don't know what his infection is or how severe it is. He's on a very aggressive antibiotice that can only be taken intraveneously and he has to take it twice a day 2 hours at a time. He's moving around well and he's in very good spirits.... enough to tease and torment me a little more than usual.... because he's bored and has very little else to do.

A new friend of mine got sick on Friday and was admitted to emergency. He's at home now but they did want to keep him till Tuesday. I think I'm cursed.

I got my car back. Almost got hit by a bus when on the way to return the rental (had to actually drive up on a sidewalk).

An's wedding dress wasn't right and the dressmaker completely didn't do a muslin fitting and so when we got there the dress was pretty much made, it was all the right material just basted together. It was so bad. It wasn't at all what An wanted and at the last fitting we spent 3 1/2 hours making sure the woman knew. So it has to be done again. Just a frickin' gong show.

And so we know

2006-06-25T10:03:00.000-06:00

So, my Grandma did pass away early Saturday morning. My parents were with her; she died peacefully with her family by her side. The funeral is on Thursday and so far it would seem that my parents are doing well. She has been sick for so long so in a way it's a relief that she's no longer in pain.

We'll know more about D's infection and it's severity tomorrow after his surgery and have a lot of answers by the end of the week. As I said yesterday, there's a chance that he may lose his leg depending on where and how severe the infection is. And he'll probably need more than one surgery.

Me, I'm just waiting to see what else can happen. I can't think of anything but then I wouldn't have ever thought that so much would happen in a month like it has. I'm holding my own and doing fine right now though. It's just a lot to deal with.

If it isn't one thing then it's everything!

2006-06-24T16:40:00.000-06:00

So, my car is not a write off. I still don't know when I'll be getting it back but right now that's besides the point.

I'm on academic probation and now I have to make an appointment to appeal and try and find a way for me to be able to take classes in at least December. This is so not what I need right now but I have to do it. Otherwise I'll have to explain what happened to my parents and I can't deal with that disappointment right now.

I haven't had a chance to talk with J to find out what's actually wrong with her but I should be able to catch up with her this weekend.

An is having serious issues with the person who is making her wedding dress. Last night she had a fitting and the lady just wasn't there. An called her at 5 to confirm the 530 appointment and at 5 everything was fine. I showed up first at about 510 and the shop was closed with no note on the door. We finally left at 610 after numerous calls (no machine or answer) and still no one at the shop. We called at 630 to see if just maybe the dressmaker thought it was at 630 instead of 530 but still no answer. This is right after they cancelled her original appointment without telling her. In that case she called in the afternoon just to confirm that she was coming only to be told "oh we cancelled your appointment because we double booked." Nice.

I told her that she still has time to find another dressmaker or another dress. She's going down today to speak with the woman and I'll talk to An later on to find out how it went. She's panicked and it's all I can do to keep her from breaking down because of this. An needs someone to lean on and draw strength from right now and I've always done it for her and I don't mind in the least but it bothers me that her fiance can't support her in the same way I can and that's what she'll have for the rest of her life.

My grandma isn't doing well at all. Apparently pnemonia has set in her lungs and last night they didn't think she'd make it through the night. I can't get ahold of my mom; not at home and not on her cell so I'm assuming she's still at the hospital. I'm sure she'll call me later on tonight and let me know what's going on. I'm not really close to this grandma but it's still hard and I know how hard this is going to be on my stepdad and mom.

D isn't doing well either he. He had a doc appointment on Tuesday just because of this lingering infection that he's been taking meds for. The doc immediately referred him to a surgeon. The wait-list for the surgeon (who was his original surgeon after the accident) is about 6-8 months; he got in for yesterday (Friday). He's going in for surgery on Monday. Apparently the infection is really bad and it's a bone infection. The surgery will be very intensive and there's a huge chance he may lose his leg from the knee down. He's so stressed and it's just going to be really rough for him for the next little while. Even if he doesn't lose his leg, it'll be 2 weeks min. in the hospital, 2 weeks on bed rest and IV at home, 2-4 weeks before he can go back to work, and 6-8 months of light labour which means he has to quit one of his jobs - the one he loves.

I'm so stressd and concerned for him and it's so important that he doesn't know how hard this is hitting me because he needs me to be strength for him. Everyone else will cry around him and he needs me to not do anything like that. It's going to be a very difficult 6 months for him.

My boss came back from an out of town managers' meeting and today was her first day back at work. I get this sick feeling that I came up a lot and I know that the person in charge of my department really dislikes me. She and my boss locked horns numerous times apparently. So, I've spent the day feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job and that maybe my boss doesn't think I'm any good. I do my best and I bust my ass and yet I'm always having to defend myself and back things up. It's retarded how many times I've been accused of not doing something only to find the proof to show that I did my part and what was lacking was other people. Maybe that's not enough. I don't know. She hasn't really told me anything today.

So, if it isn't one thing then it's everything and I really am at a loss for what else can come up at this point.

Something Quickly

2006-06-21T18:52:00.000-06:00

So I think I may have been put on academic probation due to my gpa which sucked ass this last semester. That won't be fun to explain to my parents.

My car may be a write off due to the amount of damage and hopefully I find out for sure tomorrow as it's been three days since the appraiser went to look at it.

J is quite injured. She had xrays today and they're not looking too good. She has to go in to her doctor tomorrow to get the specifics. I worry for her and about her because she tends to injure easily and take a really long time to recover.

And finally, we just hired a new guy at work who is my age and is hot. I talked to him yesterday (in person) for about 30 minutes and recommended him to our recruiter. She saw him today and he's in. Now to find out if he's single. Either way it'll be nice to have someone good to look at who isn't my Dad's age or M1 because he's taken and he's a friend.

That's all for now. With any luck a lot of things will be worked out by Friday.

Maybe I should start over

2006-06-11T09:33:00.000-06:00

I was in my own little world thinking that karma was done beating up on me. I was wrong. It's almost a little funny again because if I stop laughing then I'll be angry and that won't do.

On Wednesday, I met with J to see her new place and go for supper. I was teasing her because she had broken a couple of things while moving but can't find a dust pan or a broom so she has these little piles all over. While coming back from dinner I remembered that I still had the dustpan and hand broom in my car from cleaning up the glass when my car got broken into. The thing was only a dollar so I gave it to her so that she could clean up the little piles.

Well wouldn't you know that despite the very secure parkade she has her drivers side window got smashed on Thursday night... can you believe this?!? So she figures that the dustpan is cursed.

J called me Friday morning to take her down to the glass repair place she's used before because she didn't know the name or phone number and doesn't have a phone book at her place. So I drive her down and brought her back.

As I was stopped to turn into her place, I got rear ended... hard.

The guy hit us so hard he pushed my car past the intersection and almost over the line. My bumber is trashed and my trunk is messed up too. I also think that my seat is broken because it was leaned all the way back when I got out of the car (I keep it pretty much straight) and now it won't stay in position.

I tell everyone at the office yesterday and they all think my car is cursed now. I'm thinking that I might take a look tomorrow or Wednesday at trading it in for a different car. What's really kind of funny is that two years ago I hit a bad patch of ice on the freeway and did a beautiful 360 and scraped the concrete meridian with the passenger side of my bumper. I've always teased (and been teased) that I should get into a fender bender so that I can finally have it replaced and get rid of the scratches. As a matter of fact, J was teasing me about that on Wednesday when we were at dinner. So where is most of the damage? On the passenger side. Maybe I shouldn't have ever said anything.

Karma

2006-06-04T12:56:00.000-06:00

So for a couple of weeks there karma was kicking my ass. I don't know what I did but I sure as shit was paying for it. In two weeks I had so many things go wrong that I was seriously considering the life of a hermit.

I had my car front windows smashed but nothing opened or rooted through. Still it was a $250 deductible to get the windows replaced.

Then I got stopped by the cops because I had expired tags and had to beg for him not to tow me on the spot. When I went to renew my plates, I found out that I didn't pay the $360 ticket that I thought I had already taken care of and that I needed to pay to renew my plates. $500 later I had new plates but was completely broke and needed to borrow from Dean to cover rent.

Then my bank screwed up and pulled out double fees which made my car payment go NSF. After talking to several people, I basically still have to pay the loan NSF fee but not the bank NSF fee and they've corrected their mistake.

Then I had my car broken into again only this time they actually opened the doors and rooted through things. There was nothing missing as there was nothing in my car because it had been broken into just the week before.

But before that my car died in the middle of rush hour on a main road. I luckily was able to get it started just long enough to pull into a parking lot after sitting in traffic for half an hour in 30degree heat.

Once I pulled into the lot, I tried to get my roadside assistance to tow me only to find out that it had expired and they somehow missed sending me my renewal form. So I could renew on the phone except my credit cards are maxed out because of the all the other crap that's happened.

Finally I get my Dad to renew my roadside assistance and then run into major difficulty finding a dealership to fix my car. Most of them wouldn't be able to take it in for a week to two weeks. I find one that can do it the next day and they're on the opposite end of the city. Now add another hour and a half wait in the ficking heat for the tow truck. Once I get to the dealership I find out that the problem is a recall of which I didn't get a notice for. The only good thing is that I didn't have to pay for anything.

So it's been about a week since all this, and other things happened during all the other drama that was minor in comparison, and nothing major has happened. So, I'm thinking that karma is done kicking my ass for the moment. And I shall breathe a great big sigh of relief... and I'm still waiting for my tax refund so I can pay off the university so I can register in more classes. I hope this month goes better.

It's raining

2006-05-20T01:24:00.000-06:00

It's now raining.... the first thunderstorm of the year. I love it. I love the smell and the energy in the air. The sound of the rain as it pounds the ground is so soothing and relaxing. The rolling sound of the thunder, that low grumble that you hear as it seemingly moves across the sky, paired with the crackle right before the flash of light awakens my whole body and soul. I love the rain, I love to stand in the rain and just let the world wash over me and everything feels like it's being cleansed. The air just smells so good.

I know that's so corny but I just don't care. I love the rain and I love the violence of thunderstorms.

And of course puppy is a little stressed. This may be his first thunderstorm; I don't know if it thunders in the late summer and fall in Texas. Hopefully he's fine once I put him to bed.

I'm going to go lie in bed and listen to the rain. Good night.

Ahhh Fuck It

2006-05-15T19:26:00.000-06:00

So I failed two classes. My stats class, which is what I was expecting and no big deal. My other class is a bit of a shock. The prof lost my paper and asked me (as I handed in my final) to email it to him. Apparently he couldn't open the attachment and he sent me another email to tell me this. I had a day to resend him my paper and I didn't get the email until it was too late. This sucks.

Hopefully I get my tax refund soon and then maybe I can enroll in summer session and clear this shit up. I'm tired of school; I need to work my ass off to pay off my debts then maybe I can take a break and have a month holiday in early 2007. I want to go back overseas to visit my friend and relax. With any luck I should be able to do this.

My roommate D and I have been entertaining the idea of buying a place together. We spent about a month looking around at a number of great apartment style condos and have decided that this is a good idea. We don't have the money for a down payment and so we're going to more seriously look in six months to a year from now. By then our credit will have improved and I will have way less debt so everything should be good from there. It makes a little excited to think about owning a place but at the same time I'm uneasy about it. I still want to travel extensively and I think my age shows as the whole idea of being in one place for so long is a little frightening. I'll be better prepared in about a year so I'm happy that we're not jumping into this right now.

And just one final thing before I get back to work.... I hate hockey. I do and I'm sorry. Our city's hockey team is doing very well right now and I hate it. Every time they play a game I get the night off. The nature of the business I'm in requires that the general public pays us a visit and they don't do this because they're too busy watching overpaid people skate. So while I hope they win the stupid Stanely Cup I kinda hope they don't because then I can get back to racking up my hours.

Irritations during finals... well the whole year actually

2006-05-04T11:01:00.000-06:00

I've been away for a bit (it looks to be a month) and I apologize. School is finally over and provided that I passed everything, I will graduate and get my degree in June. I don't think I passed everything. Actually I'm pretty damn certain that I failed my stats class. It's really hard to care right now because I'm tired and burned out. To be honest, I'm just happy to be done the semester despite knowing that I'll have to go back to spring or summer session. I may wait until July though because the break would be good for me.

In this time I've come up with one mighty bitch. There is just something about finals that brings out the whiners and I'm tired of having to be around them. The first and second year students are bad but the thrid and fourth years whose parents are still paying for them are worse. You'd think with age they'd appreciate more but they don't. All in all, I'm tired of listening to people whine about their parents when it comes to school. And since I take this as a place to rant a bit, I shall rant until I feel better. Sorry. You can stop reading if you are having a good day and don't want to listen to my big bitch. It's all good.

If your parents can afford to send you to university, drop to your knees now and thank whatever god you believe in because you are DAMN lucky not to have to work while in school.

Thank your parents for sacrificing because they are and you shouldn't give them any more grief than necessary.

I'm tired of hearing students complain that they're parents get on their case about their grades, lack of studying, or lack of helping around the house when their parents are paying for everything. If you don't want them to have a say about how you do things in regards to school then pay for it yourself. If it's their money they have every right to worry and inquire about their investment.

If you don't like having to follow your parents rules and/or having to help out around the house then move out so that it's your place and you can do as little or as much as you want.

Stop your bitching because you have a choice. Period.

Shallow people I don't need in my life

2006-03-31T17:55:00.000-07:00

An and I used to be friends with this girl. I was friends with her for a couple of years before I even met An but once we hit highschool, she changed. She was never really herself and seemed to always be emulating someone to some degree. It was insane and I found it irritating. Things only got worse with her as time progressed and it got to the point that spending time with her was frustrating because her personality was so shallow.... she wasn't shallow but she seemed to be only skin deep. Everything she was was a mishmash of the things she liked about other people. But it was never her own way.

Eventually we stopped seeing each other. It helped that I went away for a year; it's easier to lose touch when you can only communicate by email. This doesn't hurt me in the least. There comes a time in many friendships when you know that you shouldn't be friends anymore. Everything has changed and we aren't who we used to be and the distance between us is too great. I don't want to be friends with her; I hate fake people and I hate people that aren't themselves. Every once in awhile I'll catch a snippet of something that's going on with her and it's irritating and usually makes me shake my head in disbelief. But that's her.

So, An ran into her about a month ago and that's when we found out a whole bunch of stuff that was just nutty and proved to me that nothing had changed with her. Even An was annoyed with it all. But An has a hard time letting people go and she clings to things long after she shouldn't any more. So when An saw her again, they went out for a full afternoon/evening of stuff. Apparently they kept everything light and no heavy discussions (this is where she falters because she's so shallow) and they had fun. Good for them, really. I'm happy that they were able to go out and enjoy each others company. I really don't want anything to do with her and I've told An as much.

So what do I get today in my email..... a comment off my other site from her. She was knowing full well who I am and heck, she even knows that we live close together now. I'm pretty pissed/annoyed with An. I refuse to tell An about this site as I enjoy my anonminity but I did let her know about the other as all it is is writings by me so I stay anonymous that way. An has her own blog that I hardly ever look at, really only when she asks me to, becuase there's no need. She and I talk about everything so there's little there that I don't already know. I told her that if she was going to reference me then I insist that it stay anonymous. And I told her that if she wanted to reference my other site, then she couldn't use my name or nickname (that she has for me on her blog)as I don't want everyone that knows her and me to know about it. If that's what I wanted then I would've emailed all my friends with the sites addresses and I wouldn't have chosen to stay anonymous.

I'm a private person. An should know this almost better than anyone as we've been friends for close to ten years. I feel a little betrayed as I don't want to see our shallow ex-friend who drives me crazy and now she has my email address and I get to look like the bitch when I decline her invite. I will be talking to An about this and I'll be getting myself removed from her blog. This is why I crave anonyminity in some areas of my life. I like to keep things to myself sometimes.

Puppy, Papers, and an Exam

2006-03-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

So I finally finished my paper that is very late and I'll be handing it in today with the supreme hope that my prof will accept it. My other paper I found out will only have a 2% deduction for each day that it's late so I'm handing it in on Monday because I'm not even close to being done. The paper that I had due on Monday that I didn't get handed in because I was taking puppy to the vet I was allowed to hand in on Tuesday without any penalties so that was pretty frickin' great.

Speaking of puppy, he's doing fine. He had his surgery yesterday and there were no complications. He's actually ready to come home today but D won't be able to pick him up till tomorrow. D gets paid tomorrow and so we can't afford to get puppy today that and the vet told D on Tuesday that puppy would be going home on Friday. I'm just happy that puppy is doing well and the receptionist said that he's a very friendly happy puppy this morning so that's good. That means that there's no traumatization. This will make me smile all day. I wish I could go and get him today but I can't. Oh well, tomorrow.

I had my first final yesterday. It was only worth 10% and that kinda blows because I think I did quite well on it and it's in the class that I'm struggling so badly with. So that's one down and next month I'll have four more.

So that's all my happy news today. I'm feeling great right now and not too too stressed but that may be mostly because I didn't have to work on Monday and I only went in for two hours yesterday. That has really helped because then I don't get so stressed and I can spend more time at the school getting things accomplished without having to leave my house at 5am.