I'm okay.  I am.  Life is okay and I can handle it alone or with friends or however I have to.  I've been through much worse and I'm still here.

It'd still be really, really so wonderful to be held and hear the words "I love you" escape just loud enough for me to hear.  It's been so very long since I've heard those words.

But I'm really okay and will wait.

Labels: dating, just me, life

I can barely sleep the past couple of days because I can't stop thinking that something is wrong.  There's a huge chance that the "something" is solely in my own head and my own paranoia.  I rarely get to this point and whenever I do I start to panic that he's going to go away suddenly (as happened a couple/few times before) or that I'm going to eff up and make him run away or that he's tired/bored of me and will just not want to see me anymore.  Then all it takes is one little thing to come up or something small to change and suddenly I'm a wreck and convinced that things are over.  This of course makes me act different and more intense I'm sure though I try not to be and I'm sure he sees that and that is likely what starts to cause more issues.  It's really that I need to calm down, trust, and let my guard down.  I just don't want to be more hurt than I'm already sure I will be.  *sigh* I really really really like this guy.  Really really do.  I find myself thinking far ahead of things to share with him, I find myself waking up and missing him beside me.  I find myself wanting to tell everyone about him and making myself stop.  Now I find myself (in only the past 2 days) really worried that we're not even close to the same page and that he's ready to leave whatever it is we've started.  I hope to see him again so that we can talk.  Damn I hope I find the courage to ask all the questions that I make me want to cry because I don't know how to ask them.  I don't know how to say that I want to be exclusive and that I want to be the only girl he's dating and that I hope that he feels the same way.  Worse yet I don't know how to respond to whatever he says back.   I hate waiting and I won't get to see him for another couple of days.  I'm not sure I can handle this any more and I don't know what to do.  I want to know that he cares about me and I don't want to have to ask.

Ahhh so my phone is silent.  You're not answering me which I suppose I shouldn't be shocked about since I knew you'd be kind of busy tonight and you had left your phone at home all day.  It's almost bed time for you; I'll bother you with one more text, the good night text that I hope that you'll reply to because I've gotten used to seeing your name on my phone before I go to bed. 

This Sunday it'll be two weeks since I've seen you in person last.  So long since we live so close and I'm doing well with it considering that I'm not used to having to be this patient.  It's been a rough couple of days for you and I'm trying to be there for you but you're just not letting me or perhaps this is as much as you can let me for now.  You need to sort out your home life; you need to let me know what you're dealing with over there.  It's already odd that there's another person involved in our relationship but there's kind of a third person involved too and she's made me uneasy with what she's had to say.  I'm shaking it off as best I can; I'll talk to you about it next time I see you.  That is something I adore about you; we can talk about any number of things and we can be open about them.  You're honest with me and you make it easy for me to be honest with you.

And as I've been typing this out you've written me before I had a chance to write you.  To say good night.  *sigh*  It makes me so happy to see that.  You can't be my everything, you can't even be my everything in the normal dating parameters but it's things like our good night texts that make what we have special and makes this okay for me to be a part of.  New for me but good; I'm figuring it out and you're worth it even though it leaves me confused and wondering at times.

Labels: dating, life, questions

I often wonder what people think of when they close their eyes and think of me.  When I close my eyes and think of you I think of your lips, I think (not hear) of your words, I think of your eyes, and I think of the way you move your hands.  I struggle to think of all of you.  I struggle to image exactly what you look like.  I know what you look like but every time I see you it's almost a little surprise because I don't think of you as a whole, I think of you as the parts that I adore the most.  So then I wonder what you think of when you think of me...

This is a strange place for me.  I say that every time I find myself here, in this place where I actually care for someone and where I actually feel vulnerable.  You are able to hurt me.  I've told you this and I think you believe me; I hope you believe me.  In the past week or so I feel like you've pulled back from me and I don't know why.  There's so much in your life already and you tell me I'm not adding to your stress but at the same time I can't shake this feeling that something is wrong with us.  "Us" hasn't been around very long and really isn't even established.  I took my cues from you but now I feel like I don't what to do or where I stand.  We were on pace with each other, it was easy and perfect and so surprisingly so.  Now what?

Now I wait.  Perhaps I'll get to see you.  Friday you said that I may get to see you today; you went out of town this weekend and are back tonight.  We may get to retake the walk that started it all, the one we keep saying we'll retake and we'll talk.  I want to talk.  The weather is gloomy, windy, drizzling rain from time to time, it's perfectly feeding the worst expectations I have for the talk I hope we have.  My life's rule is to always expect the absolute worst while hoping for the best.  I expect the worst be it if I see you and if I don't and yet I still want to see you.

I want to ask you what you think of when you close your eyes and think of me.  Please let me see you tonight; I'm not sure I can handle not seeing you tonight.

Labels: dating, life, questions, terrible expectations

I used to sing all the time.  I'd sing alone, to myself under my breath, in the car, with anyone who wanted to join in, on stage, in plays, and whenever I heard a song I liked.  I don't sing like that anymore.  My mom keeps pointing out, a lot over the past year, that she can't understand why I don't let people hear me sing any more.  She loves karaoke and loves to sing all the time and does just that.  It bothers her so much that I don't sing; she gets so sad looking when she talks to me about it.  She's asked my two closest friends, one who hasn't heard me sing since high school and the other who has never heard me sing in the entire time we've known each other, and neither of them can explain it.  An just agrees with my mom and says I'm crazy to stop but that she can't get me to sing either.

It's true.  I was in musicals from kindergarten till grade 9, sang in festivals until grade 10, and even took voice lessons for about two or three years.  I used to sing all the time; loud and proud. 

It's certainly not that I was an amazing singer; I wasn't terrible but I wasn't anything special.  I still sing when I'm all alone and especially when I'm in the car alone.  It still makes me feel better and I have cd's and playlists that are designed just so that I can sing to every song.  I don't hate singing. I don't think I'm terrible.  I can speak easily in front of a crowd of people and I know my friends won't judge me.  I laugh off what people think of me and I shrug off others disparaging words.  I encourage all my friends to sing and be proud of the way they sound.  At karaoke I always cheer for my friends and even strangers, especially when it sounds like they were nervous.

So why don't I sing in front of anyone?  Why can't I get over whatever is stopping me and sing like I used to?  More importantly, what does that mean about the progression in my life?  I've worked so hard to be confident in myself and everything I do; is this a sign of all the ways that I hold back out of fear?  Or is it simply that I don't want to sing in front of anyone and that's that?

I wonder why I don't sing like I used to...

Labels: curious; just me, memories

Would you rather have loved and lost rather than feel nothing at all? 

When was the last time you were held, really held, by someone who you knew cared deeply for you always?

Can you remember the last time you honestly answered "how are you?" Answered without hiding anything and feeling that the person asking really wanted to know?

When was the last time someone else wiped away your tears?


I'm trying.  Every day I'm trying to be okay and I'm trying to be better.  So hard.  So very hard.

Oh and I've been sick since the beginning of March and on medication (three different courses or two or more meds) for the past six weeks and still do not feel better.  I'm so tired of being sick and so tired of not being able to do what I had planned for this spring.  Stupid illness is going to ruin my summer.

Labels: insomnia

I like that I have a neighbour who has grey hair and is in his sixties who plays in a jazz band and lives with his lady friend.  I don't really know if they're not married but I talk to him and never noticed a ring.  And I really like the idea of her being his lady friend.  She's super pretty and I love the grey hair on her.  They're adorable.  They kiss each other goodbye every time one of them leaves.  He sings and plays his guitar in the apartment but I know he also plays trumpet and the drums.  They're both so sweet.  I just love seeing them; they make me happy when I see them saying good bye to each other.

Labels: things I like today

My oh my, so much goes on so quickly and I'm always astounded at the passing of time.  How is it that time can seemingly pass at different speeds?  There is supposedly only one speed that time can go at and yet a day can drag and a month can feel like it's finished before it began.  I know I'm rambling and I know that I don't always make sense but there is a point.  I can't believe that so much time has passed since my last posts and that so much life has happened in that time.

Work is brutal.  There isn't much more that can be said about that.  I dread going into work nearly everyday and nearly everyday I push the limits on how long I can stay in bed until I have to get up and out the door.  So now, despite having said it over and over again for months, it really is time to buckle down and find a new job.  I can't bear to stay at this company any more, I can't handle hating my job this much.  The majority of my waking hours are spent in an environment that makes me frustrated, angry, annoyed, and upset to nearly tears so I have to go.  The good news, to a degree I suppose, is that there are three postings that have caught my eye at the university.  They all close within the next four days so I need to get busy on touching up my resume and writing amazing cover letters.  I so badly want to get out of this company and I hope desperately that this helps.  Any of the positions would be wonderful but there is one that is the best of course.

Dating of course is brutal and intense as usual.  I was taking a bit of a break of sorts but it never really feels like that.  Everything is confusing and I'm still not convinced that I'm not undateable.  I left the online dating sites for a couple of months and I think that helped a bit.  Went online for the first time tonight and it's funny how quickly the emails come in, nothing that makes me want to respond but still sometimes if you take it at face value it's flattering.  Meeting people is hard, I don't generally meet new people and when I do, they're not single which is a giant, laughable, kick in the teeth.  The two boys I wrote about last are still in the picture, surprisingly, though both have taken on different roles and at the moment I'm leaving it at that.  It's long and involved stories and even I find it exhausting to have to try to explain because the logical and emotional sides of myself get into giant fights and seriously fighting with oneself is just beyond tiring.

Everything else is going well.  Soccer is awesome.  Still playing on two teams, one that I captain and the other that I play on with Mitts and Sug and where Sug captains.  The second team I'm in constant debate about whether or not to quit but I love the people so I'll likely stay.  It's frustrating to play with them for a variety of reasons.  My other friends are seemingly doing well.  Mitts is doing so much better and has found herself in a new relationship, about a month/2 months old, that is going well thus far.  The J's are busy but well and readying to go on vacation next week.  An has been a big traveller this summer so I haven't seen much of her.  ChaChi and her boy are doing awesome.  They've been talking more and more about marriage and she's even pretty well picked out a ring.  Other friends of mine have gotten engaged and a new-ish friend of mine has moved downtown less than 2 blocks away.  One of my oldest friends from high school is getting married this weekend and my other oldest friend, Manly (the girl getting married, An, and him make up the only 3 people I'm still friends with from high school), is going as my date.  I'm so excited!  It's going to be a great wedding, I'm so happy for her and Manly and I are going to have a great time.

Well that catches that up and there's more to tell but for now I'm done.  I'm choosing to be happy.  I'm trying to choose to be happy, that needed to be rephrased.  We'll see how that goes for me.  For awhile there and even at times now I can feel the clouds on the edge of my world and I don't want to be there again so I need to focus on the good and happy and with any luck it'll save my sanity.

Labels: dating, friends, life, soccer, work

I'm so confused and the guy I'm kind of seeing/dating/whatever and have been for like two months is confusing.  I'd rather feel nothing than feel this.  I hate this.

We were texting last night and I thought it was seeming like he was distracted and then he tells me that he "got some really bad news from his doctor."  I didn't get an explanation and I didn't pry but I haven't heard from him today and I'm so worried.

I hate this.

Labels: dating

I remember missing someone so much it hurt, it physically caused me pain and hurt.  I remember crying because I didn't know what else to do and then crying harder because I hate to cry.

Dating is not going well.  Went on my first date in about a month or more and it blew up in my face just after it finished.  Pretty much got told that I'm not dateable personality wise.  I can't fix that.  I can get thin, I can cut and dye my hair, I can wear heels, I can dress different, and I can wear more or less make up but I can't change who I am.  I can't fix that. 

What if I really am undateable?

At least I'll never miss someone so much it hurts enough to make me cry again.

Labels: dating, just me, life